Lovin' the bathtimes

J adores baths. He is a real water-baby now. Odd, since he used to hate bathtime so vehemently. Now, he will just lie down in the tub and flatly refuse to move. Even after all of the water has been drained out and he's shivering with cold. He will fight all efforts to remove him from the tub.

T: Do you want to sleep there?
J: Yeah!

J's Uncle C & Auntie L gave him some bathtime presents for Christmas this year. He loves his new toys (Octipals), and his new towel too. He loves to run about the house in the towel before and after his bath, and will insist on "Towel" before he gets taken to the tub.

Here are some pictures of J during and after bathtime.

Thought for the day

If other people weren't such jerks, I would not need to firebomb their houses.

Really, it's their own fault.

Cars, tears, and grilled cheese sandwiches

The car is demised. Or at least extremely ill. I hope it can be fixed for relatively low cost. It has served me well for many many years and has depreciated accordingly. We may need to replace rather than repair. We shall soon see. In the meantime, getting to and from work should be an interesting experience.

**********

You have not truly appreciated a grilled cheese sandwich until you have watched a small boy attempt to eat one with a spoon. Most enjoyoable.

Tonight, J also tried to eat banana pieces with a spoon. The spoon is the utensil of choice, apparently. Fun to play with, too!

**********

J only cried for about two minutes tonight. He was exhausted. He wouldn't even let me finish storytime, and just insisted on bed. He was still unimpressed to be put down without the customary snuggles, but things are improving. Hopefully it will keep getting better over time.

How can instinct be incorrect?

Every instinct I have tells me that I should pick up my son and comfort him when he cries. Every instinct I have tells me that if he wants me, I should go to him. I want J to know that I am there for him, and that I will always be there when he needs me. I want him to feel safe and secure and loved.

I love my son. I love holding him, rocking him, singing to him, kissing him. I love snuggling him to sleep at night and reassuring him. He has said that he needs this, and I have been happy to meet his needs.

But now, he has started to awaken through the night, to refuse to be put down to sleep at all, and to demand constant cuddles. H and I can't get any sleep, and we can't help but feel that our son should not sleep in the bed with us, even though he really wants to and we don't particularly mind cuddling him all night long.

Tonight, I read J some books before bed. Then I cuddled him and his teddy bears until he was nice and calm. And then I picked him up and moved him to his crib, despite his protests. I laid him down, kissed his head, said goodnight, and left the room. And J screamed.

I went downstairs and cried.

J is still in his crib, quiet but awake. He has been quiet but awake for quite some time now. My child does not know how to fall asleep on his own, because I have failed to teach him. And I feel emotionally drained and like a bad parent, because I have failed him in this.

Tonight, I will not pick up J when he awakens. I will hold my ground. I will not be manipulated by my child.

And it will hurt. And I will cry. But at the end of the night, God willing, I will emerge victorious. I will be the parent in this scenario.

But all I will want to do is hold my son and comfort him ... it's going to be a long night ...

Mishmash

H, who has been a very good boy all year long, is getting a 42" foosball table from Santa. This will be very handy. The basement is going to get finished this year, and the foosball table will go down there. Obviously. Between that and my dartboard, we should be able to set up a handy little games area. Cool!

Did I mention how much I love sales? It was one of those blue-light specials, and I just happened to be in the right place at the right time and was able to grab it for $25!

**********

On a less positive note, I have another kidney infection. The doctor actually thinks it may be a stone. In any event, bring on the antibiotics. This is most icky. Hurts quite a bit.

I've also had a muscle spasm in my neck and a resultant headache for several days. Feels awful. Pain meds aren't touching it, 'cause the muscle spasm has to go away first. Muscle relaxants haven't touched it either, though. Just tried a nice jetted bath, and I'm going to relax on the wet heating pad to see if it will ease this terrible knot out. It feels like a big lump in the neck right by the base of the skull. No wonder my head hurts.

**********

On to other things. I've started my next course. Economics is not particularly riveting, but I'm doing my best. Working on a multiple choice quiz:

If A and B are substitutes, what will an increase in the price of A lead to?

(a) A positive cross elasticity value for the two products
(b) A negative cross elasticity value for the two products
(c) T falling asleep over her Economics textbooks
(d) T gouging out her eyes with her pen so she has something else to do

I hope this gets a little better as the course progresses. It's hard enough to find motivation to study when the material is really interesting. This is just a bit dry. But at least it's relevant ... unlike that silly course I took in spring! So at least this is a bit better than was that one.

**********

Can't wait for Christmas. I hope J likes all his presents!

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas

I love sales!

We have been coveting this for quite some time. Tonight, we found that the price had just been reduced to just under $60 (including GST). Nice!

It will go in our kitchen. I am most enthused. This year, we will enjoy a pretty fire as we eat our breakfast on Christmas morning.

We have been doing our Christmas shopping in spurts. We still have a fair bit to go, but have been enjoying what has been done. J is completely looked after, of course. His big gift for the year is a motorized motorcycle that he can ride. It looks like a teeny little Harley. It has a switch to change direction from forward to backward, and goes about 3-4 km/hr on an easy-to-recharge battery. It has working headlights and taillights, and a button on the handlebars that makes siren and machine gun noises when it is pressed. He still needs a helmet.

I have a picture of the bike, but I'm too exhausted to spend the time uploading it tonight. Besides, it will be better on Christmas, when we can get a picture of little J on his new motorcycle. Sweet!

Once again: I love sales!

No. Not that end.

J's favorite little Boppy Bear sprung a leak. Oh noes! (Boppy Bear was a birthday present, and J loves it. It's a little yellow inflatable bear. You can push it down, and it will spring back up. Hours of entertainment!)

Fortunately, Boppy Bear came with a repair kit. H grabbed the kit and prepared to fix Boppy Bear. The instructions said to remove the paper backing and press down firmly over the hole, then re-inflate in 20 minutes.

H cut a little piece off, and attempted to remove the paper backing. He finally got the paper backing separated from the patch, and tossed it aside. Then he held the piece down over the hole. He took his hand away. The piece slid off of the hole. He tried again. And again. And finally, he said "Well, how is this stupid thing supposed to work".

I wandered over to investigate. I picked up the piece. I turned it over. I grabbed the instruction sheet. I read them over. Then I looked at H and said "It's not working, because you are trying to repair the hole using the paper backing. The piece that you discarded is the patch".

J's Boppy Bear is patched now. Soon, I shall inflate him again. I hope he will hold air now. (Floppy Boppy is no fun at all.)

**********

J has a raging double-eye infection. We are using polysporin drops to try to clear it up. That and frequent baby shampoo washings of the eyes to keep them relatively gunk-free. The doctor thinks it's viral, so we just have to wait it out. But his eyes are really puffy and gunky, and he has big purple circles under them. He's feverish and generally unhappy. He's not eating, and isn't even drinking much at all.

My poor baby! I hope he feels better really soon.

**********

We bought J a Christmas gift tonight. It's really exceptionally cool. It's a ride-on motorized trike-type motorcycle, with rechargeable battery.

They had three of these in pink, but J got the last little boy's motorbike in the store. His is red and black, with flames painted on it. They're suitable for ages 3 to 7, according to the package, but J will be fine as long as he's supervised. That, and we probably just won't charge the battery until he's closer to the age group; until then, it will be more of a push-and-ride toy.

Anyway, this thing looks really cool. And it looks really expensive. But it wasn't. At all. We always look for sweet deals, and sometimes things work out. I really love sales and places that let you collect points toward purchases. YES!!

He loves you, yeah, yeah, yeah

J is in his "Yeah" phase. He says "Yeah" to pretty much anything asked with inflection.

Tonight, I was snuggling J to sleep. We were having a conversation, and he suddenly just stopped talking to me.

T: Are you giving Mommy the silent treatment?
J: Yeah.
T: Are you mad at Mommy?
J: Yeah.
H: Are you a Christmas turkey?
J: Yeah.
H: With cranberry stuffing?
J: Um ... mm ... Yeah.

**********

J had an eventful weekend. Swimming on Saturday, then he got to see his Memaw before she leaves town for a bit. He was pretty happy.

Sunday, we had Christmas parties going on. And then ... we ended up at the Emergency. J had "man-trouble". He is okay, but we were alarmed. So we sat there at Emergency for five hours. I am relieved that he is alright. He's extremely tired, and not quite himself. I hope my little boy will return to his normal sweet self very soon.

**********

Today, Santa visited the office. (Yet another reason why my job rocks!) J received a Tigger Plane Activity Ride-On, which is a fantastic toy. It has a steering wheel with buttons that you push, resulting in music and various other noises, lights flashing on the dashboard, a propellor that lights up and spins furiously, and a Tigger and Roo duo that hops up and down in the front. It has a seat that lifts up for storage (J can put his Panda in there quite nicely).

J likes his toy. A lot.

I will no longer be an overachiever

I have deemed it so.

In the past, I got really high grades in school. I thought I needed them, and maybe I did at the time. Now, I can't seem to get those high grades any longer. I cared about that until today. I don't really care any longer. I have no time to care about such frivolity.

I work full-time. I have a husband and a young son. And I am in school. That's a pretty good load. I do not need to beat myself up for finding it difficult. It is supposed to be difficult. Anyone who says otherwise is selling something.

I am not in school for the glory. I am not doing this for myself. I am doing this so that my family can have a better time of things down the road a spell. So long as I finish my schooling, that will happen. It will happen, whether I get 90's or 70's, or just squeak by with that required 65. It will still happen.

I am not working for the glory. I am working to pay the bills. If I need time for myself or my family, I will take it. If I am stressed out and need a moment to breathe and chill out, I will take it. I work hard when I am at the office, and I put in the necessary hours to meet deadlines. I am glad that I work for an employer who understands that work is there to fund your life, not replace it. It is good.

Life is different now. I have less time available for homework, because I choose to spend every moment that I can with my husband and son. I think that is a good decision, bursting with appropriately placed priorities. I work hard, but my family will always come first. Just as they should.

So let me get the 65. I will be happy with that 65. I don't know if I got it, but I hope I did. Anything that doesn't involve a rewrite is good. Why? Because a rewrite would mean homework and studying, which would take me away from my family. And I don't want to be away from my family.

Someday, I hope to finish my schooling. And I plan to do so. But I also plan to do a lot of other things. And the most important item on the list is make time for my family.

I refuse to make myself sick worrying and stressing about school. Will I continue to care? Sure. Will I be proud of myself if I do well? Sure. Will I continue to be an overachiever? Well ... it's a hard habit to break, but I sure do aim to try.

Wish list: Less work; more play!

(It's a peaceful post. It's a pleasant post. It is a post free from stress, animosity, and ire. Clearly, my exam is over. Woot!!)

I hope I passed

I feel like I was just kicked in the gut.

I don't want to see anyone. Ever. I just want to sit in my house and cry.

I had 97% going into that exam. I'd worked really hard. I'd studied really hard. I'd run all kinds of past exams, plus the practice exam, and had done reasonably well on all of them. I was really hoping to keep my grade high and qualify for scholarship money again this year. And now, I have no idea if I even managed to get enough marks to pass the stupid course. And I feel really despondent about the whole thing.

Of course, I may surprise myself. I may get a grade really stupidly incredibly high. But if I do, it would be a nice fluke, because I was grasping at straws an awful lot.

I am sad. I don't know if I should even be taking these courses. It's a Level 3 course, and there are 5 levels in total. I'm struggling so hard with Level 3 ... how am I going to make it through Level 5?

I am hard on myself. I know that. But I really question my intelligence just now. Partway through the multiple choice, I actually checked the front page of the exam again, just to make sure it was for the right course.

I feel stupid and pathetic.
I feel tired.
I feel hungry.

I am going to sleep now.

If the courier never comes ...

Well, the courier allegedly delivered my textbooks. To my address. And put them in the mailbox. The mailbox of my lovely light grey house with the dark grey trim.

Problems with this include:

1. I have no textbooks.
2. I have no mailbox.
3. I do not live in a light grey house.
4. My house has white trim.

I feel irritable.

Not only do I not have a mailbox, but nobody in my community actually has a mailbox. Why? Because it is one of those communities with the big central mailbox with the keys. So any mailboxes on the houses would be for decorative purposes only, and certainly would not be big enough to hold the monstrous textbook that I have been told comes with my Economics materials.

RAGE! RAGE! RAGE!

I need the books so that I can start my course readings this weekend, after my current course finishes up on Friday night.

Whatever. Apparently, the courier has decided that I need a break. Apparently, the courier has decided that I am stressed out and should not start my readings this weekend. But I feel just fine. And the fact that I want to seriously maim the courier is not indicative of my stress level in the least; it is just indicative of his (or her) incompetence.

Dear Courier:

Deliver my materials now, you stupid buffoon, or I shall beat you about the head with a DVD player.

Signed,
The Management

The Nutcracker

J's first Christmas concert was tonight. Daycare put on "The Nutcracker". We dressed little J in his special little three-piece suit and his new "Cars" shoes that light up when he runs about, smoothed his hair down, and headed off to watch our little boy in "The Nutcracker".

He did his part very well, I assume. I can't remember the name of the character he played, but it was the one who gets pushed about in a stroller while refusing to wear his antlers, mouth stuffed with cookies, tears streaming down his face, arms outstretched, screaming "Daddy! Daddy! Daddy!"

You know which one I mean.

Here are some pictures from before, during, and after J's first ever Christmas concert. Enjoy!

Stop vandalizing my garden! I mean it!!

Yes, I know that the yard is not fenced in the front or back just yet. But that does not mean that my yard is a shortcut from the alley to the street! It is a private yard! It is my private property! Stay the [insert expletive here] out!!

It's not even that convenient. Just now, there are giant drifts of snow that you have to get through. Why would you do that, instead of just going down the alley like you are supposed to? Do that! And seriously, stay out of my yard!!

It's bad enough when I see your footprints in the snow beside the house. That is still trespassing. And it is still unacceptable. But I don't get overly excited about it. But for the love of all that is holy, when you actually duck down under my chokecherry tree and walk right through the middle of my flower garden, crushing my spireas and destroying my moonlights, I swear to God I want to have you killed!

You'd better pray I never find out who you are, you stinky little toad.

Hate mail

I despise you. I really do. You, and your evil offspring. You are all horrible.

Sure, you're cute. And in the past, I have quite enjoyed your pleasant chattering. But just now, I feel that it would be in my best interests to have you all exterminated. Of course, I would never do it. It's not that I think it would be wrong; it's just that it would be a waste of money, since there would be others just like you who would come along and replace you in an instant. But I desperately wish you would all leave voluntarily and let me live my life in peace.

It is the second time you and your evil offspring have done this to me. And on both occasions, you have cost me dearly. Nobody in my community liked you, except for me. I defended you staunchly. And then, you attacked, and all bets were off.

After the first occasion, I am somewhat ashamed to admit that my family had your home destroyed. But you would not be swayed, and you moved to another domicile, not 20 feet away! I got used to you, and we lived in peace for a time. You returned to your pleasant chatter, and I returned to defending your behavior. But eventually, I just moved away from you. I thought that this would be the end of our relationship. And when you died, I mourned your loss, never imagining that your children would carry on your vendetta in your stead. But now, I know. You are the victor. Even from the grave, you give the order and your minions continue to carry out your bidding. Yes, you got me again, didn't you? You horrible, small, pathetic, little being.

Tell me, do the kids just sit there, waiting for me to be nearby, so they can violate my possessions? They must, because they don't seem to do it to anybody else. Or is it just that my vehicles have some unique quality that they find exceptionally endearing? Is there something about my engine in particular that makes it especially convenient? It is an engine. It is there to propel my vehicle from one location to another. And no matter how warm it gets under the hood of my car, it is not meant to be used to freeze-dry your food!! But if you are going to use it for just such a purpose, would you be so kind as to remove the food when it is ready? This would at least be slightly more respectful than your nasty habit of leaving your food under the hood of my car, where it may catch fire or, as was the case last night, knock my heater fan out of commission.

And now, the heater only works on high speed. I am glad, though, that it still works. But I have no idea how much it will cost to repair the damage you vermin have caused this time. And I can't even ask your nasty little children to pay for the damage they did because, just like you, they are unemployed little rodents who live off the land. So once again, I take it on the chin.

I swear that I will get you for this. Somehow, someway, when they least expect it, your children will be made to suffer my wrath.

Stupid squirrels!

This is only a test

The commercials say one should have enough food and water to last for 72 hours in case of an emergency.

We are hoarding kibble in the credenza.

Things you never thought you'd hear yourself say

The following are contributed by H, who is busy dealing with J just now and cannot come to the computer:

"The whole cheese fiasco was a social experiment gone horribly awry".

"Welcome to the African safari. Be very quiet, for we are approaching the habitat of the notoriously fierce Jungle Sucky. Please keep your arms and legs in the vehicle, as the Sucky is known for its habit of leaping at its prey and attaching itself to the mouth, where it remains forever. Or until you are weaned."

Smart people are good at things

I, however, excel at nothing. Ergo ...

Tonight, I am a little black raincloud. Had a bad day at work and got stuck there late. Some jerk in a Smart Car flashed his high beams then flipped me off on my drive home - and I wasn't even doing anything! Bumper to bumper traffic for miles, all because there was a stalled vehicle in the shoulder on the freeway. (Why people can't drive properly, I'll never know.) Nearly ran out of gas trying to get through the gridlock, which took about an hour and a half. Somehow, my bookbag got all wet and soaked through; my textbooks are nice and ruined. Working on my quiz, but I just don't get it. And a well-intentioned email just rubbed salt in an old wound.

I feel dumb. And ineffective. And generally useless. And sad. And angry. All at once.

And I wonder if I'll ever actually graduate, or if I should just stop the whole stupid endeavor now. Apparently, I am incapable of understanding anything or applying even that small bit of knowledge that I have. Stupid people can't get professional designations. Maybe I shouldn't even try any longer.

I need chocolate.

Quick baby update

Not much time to post these days. Busy busy. Exam coming up. But I must jot down a few of J's latest antics.

**********

J can talk more clearly now. He says "orange" and "apple". He can tell us what sounds cats, dogs, sheep, and lions make. (The lion noise is particularly entertaining - especially when he confuses the lion with the cat. "What sound does a kitty make?" "ROOOOAAAR!!")

J has a little blue rocking chair with the Pooh-bear gang painted on the back. He will sit in his chair, with his teddy-bears piled around him, and say "Rock". J loves to rock.

**********

J has two favorite teddy-bears these days. Panda is forever a favorite. But he also has a little beanie-baby Pooh-bear. He loves his Pooh-bear, and will ask for it periodically. He gets very excited when he sees it. He refers to it as "Pooh Baby".

The other day, J surprised us by uttering a 3-word sentence: "Hi Pooh Baby".

**********

Yesterday, H took J to the grocery store. H was putting apples into a bag. J said "apple". And then, much to H's chagrin, J reached forward and pulled an apple from the bottom of the pile. You've seen what happens on TV and in the movies when that happens? It is not an exaggeration. A nice bunch of people came to my poor husband's aid, and started to help him put the apples back. And a store clerk was kind enough to come around and let them know that the store would deal with it (they didn't want the bruised fruit back on the shelf anyway).

H was mortified. I, of course, laughed hysterically when he told me.

**********

J gives kisses and hugs. He enjoys having his teeth brushed. He has almost a full mouthful of teeth now! His cold seems to have dissipated, though he still has a yeast rash going on. Hopefully, that will clear up soon.

J also really loves bath time and swim time. He blew bubbles in the pool for the first time two weeks ago, and thought it such fun that he often tries it in his bath too. Very sweet!

J loves stuffed animals and music. If music is playing, he will grab his stuffed animals by the paws and dance around the house with them. He particularly enjoys spinning about in circles and getting all dizzy. And at bedtime or naptime, he needs all of his stuffed animals for cuddling. If one is missing, he becomes quite irate.

J also really loves his iron drops. He will sit up like a big boy and wait expectantly while I dose them out to him. This is fortunate, since he seems to have inherited his mommy's tendency toward anemia. I hope he doesn't have to be on the drops for much longer, but it seems as though he'll have to stay on them for a while yet.

**********

J's appetite is picking back up, now that he is feeling better. This morning, he ate a whole slice of toast with peanut butter and crabapple jelly. He quite enjoyed that. An issue for J is that he wants to eat like a big boy; we can't cut his food into little pieces nor seat him away from the table.

Earlier this week, J ate with a fork for the very first time. He had maccaroni and cheese, and he fed himself with his safety-baby fork from his very own plastic bowl. He insists that he sit at the table with us and eat large pieces of food, just like mommy and daddy. I am glad that his booster seat is adaptable for this. We just don't use the tray any longer.

Favorite foods include peanut butter on toast, grilled cheese sandwiches, and french fries. He quite enjoys pita bread as well. (But he wasn't too keen on humus!)

**********

J is generally a pretty happy little guy these days. He is lots of fun! Somehow, though, he decided that he should be carried about instead of playing and running, as he once did. He's looking for more attention and snuggles.

I can't wait for this class to be done, so that I can spend a bit more time with my boy. Exam prep takes up too much time.

**********

Enough break-time now. Back to work!

Thought for the day

Isn't it amazing how easy some people make it for the rest of us to feel superior?

Just sayin'.

I used to secretly judge those people. Now, I have no time left in my day for secrecy. And if they weren't so blasted stupid, I wouldn't have to use my valuable time for judging them either. But they have really earned it, so judge them I must. And I shall.

They should be smarter. It would be more convenient for me. ;)

And now, back to our regularly scheduled programming ...

I hab a code

Adudder wud. Wit J id daycare, we're boud to keep gettig sig here. Bud I'b tired of id, ad I wish id wud stop dow. I do't feel gud ad all. I'b tired, ad by doze is all plugged ub.

Stoopid doze.

And the award for "stating the blatantly obvious" goes to ...

... my FA3 Lesson Notes, for the following passage:

"Regardless of how earnings relate to share price, higher earnings are considered more desirable than lower earnings".

It is worth noting that the same module provides a calculation of the price-earnings ratio (market price / earnings per share). And then, in the following sentence, states:

"To obtain market price, earnings per share is multiplied by the price-earnings ratio".

Hence, my FA3 Lesson Notes also win the award for "circular reasoning". (But thank you for that riveting example of cross-multiplication, which I think was first covered in grade 3.)

Yes and no

Full marks on quiz 4. Yes!

J is sick. No!

Almost done my midterm assignment now. Yes!

It had a case analysis on it. No!

Working on Module 8 and expecting to be done on time. Yes!

Still have much catch up work to do on other modules. No!

**********

We had to pick J up from daycare today. He wasn't feeling well. He was up all last night, wanting to be cuddled. We brought him home and let him sleep for a very long time. Generally, we cuddled him as he slept to make him happier. Then we played for a bit. And then he had his bath and went back to bed.

He seemed to be feeling a bit better after he'd slept for awhile. But he's still not quite his usual self. I hope he feels better in the morning.

And I also hope he doesn't wake up every two hours tonight, screaming his tiny lungs out, and demanding snuggles. You know. Like he did last night.

I love cuddling my baby. But I have homework. And a job. And really, sleep is also a good thing. And it's hard to manage sleep with the way J cuddles. I'm sure those parents who are reading will totally relate to that!

Arson, good. Gorillas, not so much

J's speech is advancing. He can say puppy and kitty, and he can tell you what they say ("Meow"; "Woof woof"). He imitates sounds that he hears (today, H fastened him into his carseat and said "Clicky", and J responded: "Kicky").

One of his favorite words just now is: "Yeah". (He also likes "No" a fair bit, but he uses it a bit more discriminately.)

Tonight, a very sleepy J was sitting in his booster chair eating (or more accurately, trying not to eat, as is usually the case with J).

Enough with the brackets!

In any event, here is the conversation that ensued at my dinner table this evening:

H: Are you sleepy?
J: Yeah.
H: Do you want to go to bed?
J: Yeah.
T: Do you want to eat your dinner?
J: Yeah.
T: Do you want to visit the moon?
J: Yeah.
T: Should Mommy light the house on fire now?
J: Yeah.
H: Should we all run around the house screaming "Gorilla, gorilla, gorilla"?
J: [Stony silence]

J does not enjoy the gorillas.

**********

J was in a very Daddy mood today. Sure, he had his moments when he wanted me too. But generally, he just wanted Daddy and no one else would do. I was not permitted to touch J's sippy cup; only Daddy. I was not permitted to take J's piece of bread that he no longer wanted to eat; only Daddy. And I was not permitted to cuddle J to sleep tonight; he wanted Daddy.

Daddy was thrilled. I felt rather rejected by the whole thing, though. Especially when J tried to push me off the bed during snuggle time, so he could be alone with his Daddy.

Babies are fickle!

Halloween Parade

J had a wonderful Halloween yesterday!

His daycare had a Halloween parade for the seniors, and J got to wear his little frog costume and go for a nice ride in the turtle-bus. He received a goodie-bag and some cookies from a witch. And as an added bonus, he also got the opportunity to brighten the day of several people who really needed it. I really like J's daycare because of that particular focus.

Later, we went trick-or-treating. J was very sweet in his little costume. He really enjoyed all the decorations on our street. Our neighbours had a row of lit-up pumpkins up their walkway which he found quite entertaining. And he also enjoyed their ghost that moved its arms and made "Oooooooo" noises as we passed. We carried him from house to house, with his little black-cat goodie basket over his flippered arm. He never ceased to be amazed that people would give him special treats just for ringing their doorbells and looking cute. He smiled happily everytime something landed in his basket. And then he tried to pull it out to take a look. He got lots of candy (mostly chocolate) and a little tin of play-do, which I think is a great idea!

When we came home, he sat on the living room floor with his basket and went through it. He was just so happy! Then he chased the cats around with his candy and scared them. And that was around the time that we decided it was time to go and see the family.

A nice car ride later, and the family who lives nearby had gotten a good look at little J in his Halloween outfit. He received a few more treats, had some Smarties at Grandma and Grandpa's house as a special snack, and then came home for a nice cuddle and bed.

It was a wonderful day. And made even more special by the fact that I got to leave work early to attend the Halloween parade and take pictures. I haven't posted pictures in awhile, and it's about time I got to it. So here are some of the pictures from J's Halloween parade.

Ribbit!!

Halloween Party

Went to A&L's Halloween party last night. We didn't stay for long, as usual. J likes to get to bed pretty early these days. Besides, chasing him up and down the stairs was getting tiresome.

J dressed as a frog. L&P were already there with the girls when we arrived. L and her girls were all dressed as princesses. Andrew managed to get a picture of the princesses with the frog, which we will post if we receive a copy. Priceless!

The height of cuteness was when 4-year old Izzy, in her beautiful Cinderella princess costume, came into the living room carrying J, the frog. She had him under his armpits, and he was just hanging there kind of limply, his feet not quite reaching the floor. She deposited him on the couch and told us that he was too close to the stairs.

She did this twice, by the way.

It was adorable!

J stuffed his face with junk; mostly chips and chocolate cookies. I didn't wish to argue. At least he was eating something, for a change. He seemed to have a nice time, eating junkfood, chasing A&L's cats about, and socializing with his friends. We had fun too. It was good to have a break from school work.

But I must continue to hit the books. I'm almost through 7.4 now. Still have a lot of catching up to do, and a fair bit of Module 7 left to complete.

How many more years of school do I have ahead of me again? Five? Six? How will I possibly get through this?

Still to do

5.7, 6.6, 6.7, 8.9.

My midterm is nearly 60% complete now. It's due in a week and a half. The next part is on Module 7, and there's a small component on Module 8. Quiz due in a week and a half is on Module 8. Once these things are done, I'll have to go back and complete the unfinished modules while simultaneously trying to prepare myself for the last quiz, on Modules 9 and 10. I ran out of time on Modules 3, 5, and 6, so have left stuff undone. So far, these unread sections are roughly a full module.

Accordingly, I am now one module behind. Crumb!

Update: Module 3 is now complete; modules 5, 6, and 8 have pieces undone. I am getting caught up, and am now only half a module behind.

Exam December 8. Will start the freaking out soon.

J likes black olives

In particular, J likes black olives on his pizza. He is picky about them, though. He only likes the olive slices if they form a complete circle, so that they fit neatly around his chubby little fingers and he can play with them before he eats them. If the perfect circle of the olive piece is broken, it is no good and must be fed to the cats.

The cats do not like olives.

Exhausted

J awoke screaming this morning, after having bitten his bottom lip and drawn blood. It was a bad start to an otherwise good day.

Free breakfast, due to having had to endure unbearably poor service about a month ago. Food and service were both wonderful today. Nice tip left.

Went shopping. For J. Of course. J needed some new pants. And he also needed some toys more appropriate for his age and interests. A violin with bow that converts into an electric guitar and plays music appropriate for each instrument (the bow is particularly cool). A Mega Blocks remote controlled racecar that converts into a plane, snowplow, or boat. And the Mr. Potato-Head farm (a barn with all the pieces for Mr. Potato-Head, Mrs. Potato-Head, Mr./Mrs. Carrot-Head, Potato/Carrot-Cow, and Potato/Carrot-Pig). J enjoys his new toys. H and I enjoy them almost as much. Or maybe more. I don't know. But I do know that I love "Once Upon A Child". I spent far less than I had anticipated. Yes!

Studied a bit, but didn't get a heck of a lot done. Still not over this blasted cough. And my head hurts. Tired. Very tired. And I can't focus at all. I'd hoped to get through to the end of Module 6.5 today, and then I'd only have two more sections to finish. My quiz is due by Wednesday at noon. I need to complete most of the module to write the quiz. But I've just fizzled out partway through Module 6.4, and both 6.4 and 6.5 are long.

The quiz is complete in draft. I have tomorrow night and Tuesday night left to finish it. I'll submit it Tuesday. No point in rushing these things.

Very tired. Have drifted off a couple of times already. Must rest. Must be in good shape for tomorrow. And must somehow get rid of this stupid cold that keeps me coughing, coughing, coughing. My voice still isn't entirely back. I'd hate to lose it completely again. I'm not out of the woods yet.

And to that end, I am now going to bed. Good night, all!

Overheard in Caucus

Peter MacKay: And I think we should enact a statute prohibiting women from owning shoes.

Stephen Harper: No. They need shoes.

MacKay: Why? Women should be barefoot, pregnant, and in the kitchen. Shoe ownership only encourages dissent.

Harper: They need shoes. What if they walk through a puddle of water or something? If they have no shoes, their feet will get wet.

MacKay: But why should they walk through a puddle of water in the kitchen?

Harper: They can't stay in the kitchen all the time. Sometimes, they have to go grocery shopping.

Note: Statements were not published in Hansard and are therefore unofficial. So I guess it never really happened.

Steel Magnolias

This is a sad post. Just saying.

**********

Tonight, H and I went out without J. We went to see "Steel Magnolias". I'd never seen either the play or the movie, and I didn't know the plot. H had seen the movie, but he didn't enjoy it all that much. But my sister-in-law was in the play, so we went. And it was very well done. (As an aside, it's always nice to have an evening out!)

I am glad that I went. And I am glad that I didn't know the plot ahead of time. If I had known, I probably would have elected not to go. And that's not right; it's family, after all. And it's a really good show, besides.

Now don't get me wrong here. There is absolutely nothing wrong with the plot. There is just a problem with me watching that particular plot. It's a very sad show that made me think about things on which I prefer not to focus.

The problem with me and Steel Magnolias, you see, is that it's a little too real and a little too close. In fact, it's far too real. Far too close. I cried. I cried too much, really. And then I tried to think about mundane, everyday occurrences to try to block it. But that doesn't really work. I can't block this. Not really.

It was her story. It was the same in virtually all material respects. It contains phrases of explanation. Phrases that I have heard myself say a hundred times over. She was my friend. I miss her. I still miss her. I will always miss her.

She left on October 20, 1993. She was survived by her new husband, her two beautiful children, her parents, her siblings, and her friends. Really, she was survived by almost everyone she ever knew. Because she was only 22 years old. And maybe it should have been expected because she'd been sick for so long ... because she'd known of her condition for nearly her entire life. But it wasn't expected. Not by me. Not by her. Not by any of us.

She was a beautiful, caring, giving person. A mother. A new wife. A young woman, full of promise and with a lot more living to do.

And then, she was gone.

I miss you, 'Chelle. You, and the kids. I don't even know where they are any longer. I have no way to find out. But I think of them often. Anytime I think of you, they are right there with you. In my thoughts. In my prayers. I hope that they have heard all about what a wonderful and amazing woman you were. I hope they have at least that much.

I miss you, 'Chelle.

School stuff

Just for my own basis of measurement:

I have completed 39% of my midterm assignment. It is due in 2.5 weeks.

I have begun work on Module 6, but have not gotten very far yet. The Module 6 quiz is due in approximately 4 days. I must get cracking. I will get back to my midterm after I complete the Module 6 quiz.

I have to go back and finish reading Modules 3.7, 3.8, 3.9, and 5.7.

I still have 4 modules and 2 quizzes to complete after I finish Module 6. And then, I have two weeks of exam prep time.

I must run the self-tests for each of the 10 modules. I would like to listen to all of the audio lectures, if I have time; however, if I run short on time, this will be the area that I neglect. Sometimes, you just can't do it all. I must at least run the exam review audio lectures, as these are most helpful. And I must do as many practice exams as possible in preparation for the final exam.

My final exam is on December 8.

I am officially at the start of crunch-time. It would be later, but the blasted midterm assignment and quiz 4 are due on the same day! I wish they would stagger the two as due in alternating weeks. It would be far more practical.

**********

Yes, it is the start of crunch-time. Yes, I missed swimming with J this morning. Yes, I feel sad that I missed swimming with J this morning. Yes, I spent the time with my textbooks instead of with my son.

But today, I took some time before the boys left for swimming to snuggle and play with J. I sat him on my lap on the living room floor and fed him toast with peanut butter and milk. We played "Block the Baby" (where I attempt to use minimal effort to keep J from going places where he oughtn't; "Block the Baby" is one of J's favorite games, when he is happy). We cuddled, and watched cartoons, and ate, and played, and laughed. And then I got him into his little coat and hat, and he left for swimming with H. And I worked on my midterm for the next two hours.

So yes, it is shaping up to be a very good day. And I really hope the rest of the day proves to be both fun and productive.

Things you never thought you'd hear yourself say

"Don't run over the cat with your car!"

"Can I see what you have in your mouth?"

A sleeping baby

J sleeps. He fell asleep in the car while we were driving. We were going to a friend's housewarming party this evening. We decided that we should not wake the sleeping J for partying and then try to get him to go back to sleep later. Better to miss the festivities and let J have a good night's sleep.

Do not wake the sleeping baby.

We got home. J awoke as we pulled up to the house. He cried briefly. I cuddled him close, and carried him upstairs. I kissed him goodnight, and then put him in his little crib with his bear, monkey, blankie, sippy, and sucky-thing.

Do not wake the sleeping baby.

I covered J with his blankie, so he would stay nice and warm. He curled up on his tummy, with his knees pulled up under him and his little bottom sticking way up in the air, just as he always does when he's really tired. He went to sleep right away. And I rubbed his back and told him how much I love him.

Do not wake the sleeping baby.

Then I retired to the office to work on my course. I intended to read through more of Module 6, but I opted instead to get busy with my midterm assignment. It is due in two and a half weeks, and I will run out of time pretty quickly if I don't get moving on it. I made a good start, and feel pleased with my accomplishment.

Do not wake the sleeping baby.

Soon, I will go to bed myself. I will go and check on J. I will find that he has moved to the opposite end of the crib, has kicked his blankie off, and has spat out his sucky-thing.

Do not wake the sleeping baby.

J will awake briefly in the dead of night crying frantically because he can no longer find the sucky-thing. I will get up and find the sucky. Once he has his sucky back, he will likely fall asleep again and go straight through the night. But he'll probably wake up around 6:00 am and want to cuddle in the big bed for a bit. It's his routine. It's familiar.

Do not wake the sleeping baby.

Last week, I spent so much time at doctor's offices. I am behind in my studies again. I must work hard this weekend and get caught up.

Do not wake the sleeping baby.

Tomorrow, I have to skip out on swimming. It is unadvisable to spend time splashing around in a pool while recovering from a kidney infection. H will go swimming with J, while I continue with my studying. I must get through Module 6 this weekend so that I can write my quiz. It's due by Wednesday at noon.

Do not wake the sleeping baby.

I feel deprived. These days, I don't get to spend as much time with J as I would like. I spend a lot of time at work, and then I have to study. J usually gets tired and grumpy shortly after I get home, and then it's time for him to go to sleep. Typically, I get a brief period of play time, and then some cuddles. But it's never enough.

Do not wake the sleeping baby.

Never enough. ... I look forward to my weekends. Then, I will get to spend more time with J. Except that I don't get to spend more time with J at all. Instead, I have to hole up in the office and study. I miss all the playing. I miss all the cuddles. I miss my baby. Very much.

Do not wake the sleeping baby.

And tomorrow, I will miss swimming too!

Do not wake the sleeping baby.

I am tired of studying. It keeps me away from my child. And I just want to hold my baby.

Do not wake the sleeping baby.

I am his mother. I should get more time to be with him. I want quality time with my child. I just dearly want to hold him. And cuddle him. And play with him.

Do not wake the sleeping baby.

But I want to hold him! Right now!!

Do not wake the sleeping baby.

Oh, what do you know, anyway?

Such a waste

You were amazing.

You will be missed.

Random Crypticness

Just for entertainment, walk around your office saying "I'm all out of Percocet". Entertaining. But sadly, true. Ow.

A very smiley J, wearing pastel green and blue one-piece pajamas with feet, a brown faux leather aviator jacket, and a red and black felt Elmer Fudd hat with ear flaps ran up to me tonight as I lay on the couch and demanded "Uppie". He makes me happy.

Why is my course site down? It's been down for most of the evening. I'd like it to come back up again. Very much. Behind. Been working with the site down. But I need it.

Friends and family are expecting. I am very happy for all of them. But my glee is tempered by a terrible loss to those nearest me. Near and dear. Sudden and tragic. RIP.

Happy. Sad. Frustrated. Pained. It's a rough kind of night for mood.

Urgent. Urgent. Emergency

Well, so much for the thought that I'd caught the bladder infection in time.

Last night around 11:00, we had to get someone to come and look after J for us while H drove me to Emergency. I was in so much pain I couldn't get up off the floor. It was unbelievable how much my lower back hurt. It radiated around to the front, and my abdomen was extremely tender. I was in so much pain, I was throwing up from it. I never thought anything would hurt more than labour. But this honestly did. I couldn't believe the amount of pain I was experiencing.

I couldn't drive, and I didn't want to wake J. I tried to just get someone to drive me to the hospital so H could stay home with J. But my dad (bless him) wouldn't hear of it, and he looked after J for us while H took me to Emerg.

Just getting me into the car was an adventure. I couldn't stand up straight, and I walked into Emergency bent double at the waist. The triage nurse got me a wheelchair and a heating pad, and things started to improve. H gave her my medical history; I was busy vomitting. We jumped the queue for priority sequence, and I was looked after pretty quick.

I have a kidney infection.

Take the new antibiotics. Drink lots. Stay off work for two days and rest (I particularly hate that direction, but will comply). Take heavy duty pain pills for the next two days (they'll make you sleep; really, don't go into work). I got a shot of morphine and gravol while we waited for my results and, upon being discharged, I was even able to walk out of the hospital, standing erect and without puking.

I'm glad it's just a kidney infection. I thought I was dying.

So I will be home resting for the next two days. I certainly don't want to play around with something like this. I don't want it to get worse (though my little brain can't quite wrap itself around that concept).

The good thing about the trip into Emergency is that I got a doctor's note for work. So I can feel justified about staying home. The bad news? I have deadlines at the office, and I need to be there!! I'll have to get some stuff reassigned so no deadlines are missed.

Took my pain medication, and I'm going back to bed now. The pain is returning, so I guess sitting up is not okay.

Why so dumb, chum?

I fed J some apple pieces the other night. He decided that he only likes the juice, and he spat out the chewed up pieces once he'd gotten the yummy juice out. Then he tried to give them to me in a most unpleasant way, resulting in a new episode of "Things You Never Thought You'd Hear Yourself Say":

"Mommy does not want to eat your regurgitated apple bits.

**********

I went to the doctor last Monday. I said that I appeared to have developed a bladder infection. A urinalysis showed nothing. I was on antibiotics for the bronchitis, so shouldn't have developed a bladder infection. I was told to drink cranberry juice and go back to see them on Friday if I still didn't feel better.

I decided that this meant I had developed a severe case of hypochondria. There is nothing wrong with me. And if I simply ignore it, it will go away.

Friday.
Saturday.

And on Sunday, I was in such tremendous discomfort that I could no longer ignore the situation. It's real, dang it! I went back to the doctor. But if it's real, and it's not a bladder infection, what could it be?

I had roughly three hours to ponder that while I waited in the doctor's office for it to be my turn. I was not bored, for I got to run to the bathroom every ten minutes. I was even given a little cup by the nurse so that they could check in the office rather than sending me out to a lab. "But it's not a bladder infection" I thought inwardly; "we've already established that". Confident that my urinalysis would reveal nothing, and that it wasn't all in my head either, I waited to discover just what the heck else might be causing the symptoms I'd been exhibiting.

Saw the doctor.

It's not all in my head. I should have known that. Because it appears that there is nothing in my head.

I have a severe bladder infection. It's resistant to the antibiotics I was taking. I needed new antibiotics. Five-day course. And if it's still like this at the end of the treatment, I will need to take an anti-spasmodic drug to finish the job.

It hurts. A lot.

I feel foolish. I should have trusted myself. Shouldn't have waited so long. Should have persisted after the first test showed nothing. Probably should have just made them redo the test. But I did none of these things. And now, I will have to endure this intense discomfort for a longer period of time.

At least I went back before it worked its way up into my kidneys. That's a good thing, right?

Got my coin

It was a lovely awards luncheon. And my voice is almost entirely back to normal now, so I was able to converse with the folks at my table. I am happy about that. They were all very nice, and it was a pleasant afternoon. I was so glad to be able to attend. Many award winners were unable to attend the awards luncheon. What a shame!

Today, I was happy to learn that the 78% I got in my last course will not disqualify me from Top 10 New Member status when I graduate. Someday. In the very distant future. Apparently, it's the PACE level that really impacts whether I can get that particular honor. I have a long way to go to even reach the PACE level. I feel discouraged. I wish I could finish faster. Faster, and for less money. But I can't.

Those who work with me are happy that I received a scholarship. I am happy too, of course. But I am also tired of being a responsible adult. I want to revert back to childhood and be reckless and silly for a while.

The responsible thing to do with the scholarship money is to use it to pay off some of the debt I incurred in registering for this latest course. I am aware of this. And it is what the money is designed for. To do anything else would be pure foolishness. So that is what will happen to my cheque. But really, I just want to go shopping!

H and I have struck a deal. We need to keep a handle on our finances; it's too easy for us to overspend, and we do it far too frequently. And we really do need the money to pay for school. So I will use any scholarship money I receive to pay for my courses. But once I have my designation and my pay increases accordingly, I will be given back an amount equal to the scholarship money I have earned throughout school. (The accountant in me would like you to know that at that time I will be receiving the future value of the present amount invested at market rate.) And then, I will get to go shopping and just blow it all foolishly.

Doesn't that sound like fun?

Yes!

Do you think I'll do it?

No.

I am a responsible adult. I can be nothing else. So while I may take the money, go shopping, and spend it all, I am sure that I will buy extremely practical items that our entire household will get considerable use of. It's just who I am. And I will have many, many, many years to contemplate what those items will be, as I work towards my designation. And so all of the spontaneous joy that should come with a windfall is gone!

*sigh*

(Still, I can't be too broken up about it. Our debtload is $750 lighter now. Doesn't make much of a dent in the load, but it's still free money. And I worked hard to get it, and am really pleased that I got an award. So ... Woot!)

Cheques are always good. Unless you're the one writing them. Then, they suck.

What is with this stupid bug???

Well, it started over two weeks ago now. It started with major muscle spasms. And then it turned into stomach trouble, combined with major muscle spasms. Then I developed a twitch in my right eye. Next came the sore throat. Then the runny nose, and then the bronchitis cough. And that's when I lost my voice completely.

I said enough. I went to the Medicentre. I got drugs to help fight this.

My voice is starting to return, and my eye has finally stopped twitching (knock wood). I'm still getting some muscle spasms and some stomach trouble, but it's not as severe as it was, and I am hopeful that it will go away soon.

But now, I have apparently added a urinary tract infection to my woes. And it hurts. A lot. It kept me up from around 3:00 on last night. It came accompanied by chills. It was not enjoyable in the least.

I've called in sick from work for the day. I almost never do that. But it's that bad.

How did this happen? I'm on antibiotics! This should not have happened!

I am hoping that my regular doctor can see me today. If not, then maybe someone else in his clinic will be available. I need to get whatever the heck mutant viral pest thing is causing this awful condition out of my system once and for all. I just don't know how to do that.

Full marks on my second quiz!

My second quiz! On complex debt and equity instruments! A subject with which I was extremely uncomfortable! And I felt extremely stupid while reading about that stuff! Very ill! With bronchitis and laryngitis! And I got full marks!

If I weren't so darned tired, I would dance.

zzzzz...

I NEED TO SCREAM!!!

BUT I HAVE NO VOICE!! SO I CAN'T!!! SON-OF-A...!!!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!

THAT WAS REMARKABLY UNSATISFYING!!!!!

The Sounds of Silence

Laryngitis. Rhymes with bronchitis. Ever notice that? Think it's a coincidence? It's not.

The good news is H & J are both feeling just fine.

The bad news is obvious.

My voice is completely gone. Don't phone; I can't speak above a whisper. If I try to talk louder, only dogs can hear me. But they can't understand me, since I am apparently speaking in Dolphinese.

And yet, H insists on hollering up the stairs, waiting for me to answer in like. But I can't do that! I can't speak; I certainly can't yell.

My voice left last night, after a day of coughing. I left work early, while I still had a trace of vocal capability left, but I was starting to squeak and I sounded pretty bad. It got worse through the evening, until I was left with only a whisper left, and sometimes not even that much.

H sent me to the Medicentre last night. Alone, because it was late and he thought we should try to get J to sleep. And let me tell you, it's not a lot of fun to try and mime your concerns to the Medicentre doctors and staff. I drew the line at "are you allergic to any antibiotics". I just nodded vigorously and pointed to the chart. Thank God I'd been there before! Otherwise, I'd have had to write down a littany of medications.

So the verdict is: Rest. Don't speak unless absolutely necessary. Take hot steamy showers three times a day and breathe deeply until my voice returns. Take my Ventolin asthma inhaler, 2 puffs 4 times a day. Take prescription cough syrup with codeine, 2 teaspoons before bed. Take heavy duty antibiotics, 1 honking horse pill twice a day.

What's the hardest of these instructions for me to follow? You guessed it. Rest.

This weekend, my niece is getting married. We have to run a couple of errands this morning before dropping J off with L&P for the day, then head to the church for the wedding. Then there's the reception, which we will be leaving early. And then back to get J. Convince J to sleep, and then I have to study, because I am STILL behind in my course.

Tomorrow is the gift opening. And a tea thing for my parents in honor of their 50th anniversary (don't let's go there). And Thanksgiving dinner with my family, including my brother's family, who are in from Vancouver for the wedding and who I otherwise will not get to see this year.

Monday is Thanksgiving with H's family, and there will be many preparations (don't let's go there). And somehow, between now and Tuesday evening, I still have to get through a module and a half of course work and write my quiz.

I don't think it's working out. I'll have to find the answers, write the quiz, hope for the best, and finish the readings as I can.

I hate being behind.
I hate being sick.

I keep coughing. I want more cough syrup. But it's not bedtime yet. And I can't even call the pharmacy to ask if I can take non-prescription cough syrup in-between doses, because no one can hear me talk! (Perhaps I can write down instructions and get H to phone for me.)

My cell phone's voice calling feature annoys me today. It can't hear me either.

I hate being sick.

More throat stuff

Throat. Sore. So sore.

Lozenges do not help.
Tea does not help.
Cold does not help.
Heat does not help.
Honey does not help.
Garlic does not help.
Fluids do not help.
Chewable vitamin C does not help.
Tylenol does not help.

Nothing helps.

There used to be a mouth rinse that you could get by prescription. It did nothing to heal the throat. But it contained a freezing agent and, if you gargled with it, it would numb the throat so you couldn't feel it anymore.

I wish I had some. But I don't.

Dinner tonight was soft-serve ice cream and fruit juice. I can't swallow anything more solid than that. I can barely even speak.

My glands are so swollen I can actually see them. My head is in a constant state of migraine. My ears are plugged and I can barely hear anything now. I feel exhausted. I cough 'til I gag.

And yet, I only took one day off of work to be sick. Now, I continue to go into work every day. I work a full day. And then I come home and study.

I am an idiot.

I realize this. I recognize my idiocy. But it doesn't stop me. Tomorrow, I will go in to work. I will work a full day. And then I will come home and study. Because I am an idiot, and it is what I do.

If I can't speak at all tomorrow, I may stay home. But I doubt it.

Idiot.

Colour me self-involved

I'm sick. I have added a migraine to my tonsillitis issue. My throat is so scratchy that speech is difficult. But I'm still working away. Took yesterday off from the office, but went back today. And tonight, I attempted to study. With a migraine. Like an idiot.

Studying takes a lot of concentration when you have a migraine. It can't be done without excluding everything else in your life. And personally, I have a really hard time switching gears when I have a migraine. Case in point: Tonight, I was working on some of my quiz questions, when the phone rang, and one of my dear friends (DF) needed to talk to me. And the conversation went something like this:

DF: My son fell.

Me: Convertible bonds? Are they liability or equity instruments?

DF: I feel so bad!

Me: These are at the issuer's option ... with interest ... that's module 4.2, right?

DF: Do you think he's okay?

Me: Carry the 3 ...

And it kind of kept going like that until my sweet, kind DF agreed to talk shop with me and we had a lengthy discussion about convertible bonds and hybrid classifications. We didn't really ever get back to what was important. I failed to see it at the time. I realize it now. But it's too late to phone!!

So if the above conversation sounds kind of familiar to you, I apologize for my insensitivity and self-involvement this evening. And next time you call, I promise to try harder to remember to close my textbooks, turn off my computer, and listen to you. (And I'm sure your son is just fine!)

Me bad friend. Me sorry.

John's tonsil nuggets

Stupid title, I know. But it covers all the bases. So ...

Saw Elton John last night. Fantastic! Worst seats I've ever had for anything in my life, but I was still thrilled to watch Elton John again. What an amazing pianist!

K&K were kind enough to watch J for us while we went to the concert. Judging from the pictures and video footage they showed us after, it looked like he had lots of fun playing with his little friend, D. They chased each other all over the place, and had lots of fun sitting in D's rocking chair. I'm glad J is becoming so sociable.

J wasn't a really happy little guy today. And tonight, I fed him chicken nuggets 'til he passed out. Literally. He passed out. With a piece of nugget still clenched in his hand. He sleeps now. I hope he sleeps through tonight. These days, he's taken to waking up at 2 am.

And in other news ... my tonsils are infected again. TADA!

Behind in my course. Tired. Grumpy. Need to study, but can't. Must go to sleep and let my tonsils heal. Again. (Why don't they just take them out, already?!?!)

'Night.

Deep thought of the day

I don't understand why he says he can't dance but he wishes he could. I mean, if it's The Hypnotizin' Boogie, why doesn't he just ask the hypnotist to tell him he can dance?

What about me?

Do I have the right to be angry?
Do I have the right to be upset?

I certainly hope so.

I am angry.
Really angry.

Deal.

Fun with J

Early Childhood Development has been good for J. He is becoming more outgoing. He is learning to sleep on his own. He is experimenting more with language skills. He is eating slightly better.

J does not give kisses. He is just far too busy. But he does plenty of other things. Like high-fives. Which he loves and will ask for over and over again.

J says "night night" when he wants his soother (he only gets it when it's sleep time). And he says "please" when he wants more food and "all done" when he is finished. He also knows sign language for "all done", and uses that fairly often.

He sits in his special toy car to watch television, and he pushes it backwards. And as he moves in reverse, he says "beep beep". When pushing cars forward, the sound he uses is "vroom vroom". Sometimes he falls off the car's little seat, and he doesn't like that so much. Most often, though, he tries to stand up on the seat. He knows he's not supposed to do it. He thinks of it as a game. He climbs; we say no; he sits down. Repeat.

J likes chicken. Specifically, breaded chicken, like chicken strips or nuggets. His favorite meal these days consists of chicken nuggets and french fries. Not the healthiest thing I've ever heard of, but as long as he eats it, I won't complain much. And it should help him put on some weight. Tonight, he followed it with a piece of chocolate cake. Odd how he was too full to finish his chicken but made room for the cake, isn't it?

He is also on a bananas kick these days. He eats bananas every day, and loves them. Quite the difference from the child who hated all things banana. Now, he just can't get enough of them. I am happy about that.

J's school has music classes twice a week. J loves music. Now, every time he hears music, he starts to dance. So cute!

I tried to update my sidebars menu tonight, but it didn't work. The blog isn't publishing properly this evening. Hopefully tomorrow, I'll get the "New This Week" items from back in July out of there, and maybe even put up more pictures! If I have the time. Hopefully soon, though.

I am doing this

I am doing this.
I am doing this for a purpose.
I am doing this for my son.
I am doing this for my family.
I am doing this for myself.

I am on the right track.
Finally, I am on the right path.
If I keep doing this, things will change.
Things will happen.
Things will improve.

There's a light.
I can see it.
But sometimes, it seems so distant.
And I just lose sight of it.
If only for a short while.

Focus.
Remember.
See.
Know.
Believe.

There is hope.
There is an end.
Just as there was a beginning.
Then, there will be laughter.
Nothing is as hopeless as it sometimes seems.

Spasm

Back. Neck. Shoulder. Chest. Arm. Head.

Basically, my whole right side hurts.

I had to go to the chiropractor today. On an urgent basis. It was so bad I was starting to cry. At my desk at work. Who does that?

Got adjusted. Still hurts. But at least I can feel my arm again, and I made it through most of the rest of the day without weeping.

Physical and mental health are inexplicably tied together. When I feel bad physically, it manifests itself in my mental space too, and then I get all irritable. Just now, my body is working against me. Things that usually make me happy are starting to make me miserable. I hope this eases up soon. Then I will feel happy again. Happy is good.

I'm gonna lie down now. Try to relax, and hope the terrible spasms cease and desist. Hopefully, this will feel better in the morning. One day of it has been more than enough.

Frustrated Incorporated

Yes. Incredibly frustrated. Searingly, sickeningly, ridiculously frustrated.

I don't want to say why. Why? Because I feel like an idiot, and I'd rather not share the reasons for that with the world. Or even the two or so other people who read my blog. But I am stupid. And that is all you need know.

**********

Now J is calling both his Panda and his Grandpa "Mama". I am unimpressed.

**********

I got a new haircut today. It's short! I can feel the back of my neck without lifting my hair. It's nicely layered, for movement and wave. I think it will look better when I redo it myself, though; people at salons can never get my hair to look "right".

**********

H took J out today. I got some studying done. Not enough, but some. Working away. This course is going fairly smoothly thus far. I hope that continues.

**********

Random fact of the day: If you forget to put a plastic jug of milk in your fridge, and instead, you just leave it in a plastic bag in your entranceway for three days because you don't notice that it is still there, it will leak all kinds of hellishly horrible slimy crapiness all over your linoleum. It will be roughly the colour of urine, but stickier, and much, much more disgusting. It may make you want to hurl. So remember the milk. Put it away. Don't leave it in your entranceway. Seriously. It smells really bad.

I call him "Panda"

J, I love you.

I'm sorry I had to go back to work full-time. I'm sorry you are in daycare and not spending your days at home with me. I'm sorry that I have to study at night and be away from you even more. I'm sorry I don't get to spend anywhere near as much time with you as I want to. You are my priority. I want to spend all of my time with you, but I also have to look after you and provide for you. I want you to have the best of everything. It's a sacrifice right now, and it's one I have to make. And I'm sorry. Please try to understand.

I know that you love your Panda. I am glad that you have him. I am glad that he can go with you to daycare and sit in your crib watching you play. I am glad that he is there, waiting for you to come and cuddle during naptime. I am glad that he comes home with you each night, and that you can carry him about by his wee paw, dragging him behind you wherever you go. I am glad that your Panda is such a special friend to you. I am glad that he comforts you. I am glad that you love your Panda.

But please stop calling your Panda "Mama" now. That is my name. I am your mother. Panda is your bear. Please, sweetheart. I feel badly enough about leaving you each day. I don't want you to tell me that your Panda is raising you in my place, and that he makes a much better parent.

I want to be the only "Mama" in your life. Can I please be "Mama"? And we'll just call your Panda something else.

Okay? Please?

A day off!!

Today, I took the day off. I stayed home with J. It was wonderful!

We had a huge list of things to accomplish. In actuality, we accomplished very little.

We were supposed to:

Go visit H at work, then meet J's Memaw for coffee at 11:00. From there, we would go to my workplace where they were doing "The Cat's Away" while the partners are at conference. We would join my coworkers for the noon hour games and pizza party. Then we would go and visit a couple of old workplaces of mine so everyone could see how sweet J is now. And then, we would go to J's doctor's appointment.

I knew this would not go according to plan. How did I know this? Because I am not delusional, for one. But also, I just haven't forgotten what it is like to be a stay-at-home mom. Nothing goes according to your well-orchestrated plans. Accept it.

Last night, J woke up at 1:00 a.m. He lay in his crib, cooing: "Mama; Daddy" over and over for a bit. Then he stood up and screamed. I relented and brought him to bed with us. Where he continued to fuss. Eventually, I moved him back into his own crib. He awoke for the day exactly one hour later. It was extremely early. He was extremely angry. I was extremely exhausted. He is apparently getting his molars. I wonder when they will pop through?

J was tired today. I tried to feed him breakfast. Oatmeal? He threw it. It coats things nicely. I washed up. Me, J, the floor, the toys ... Fine. We'll save the oatmeal for later. Apple? He threw it at the cat. Cat doesn't like apple. But cat does enjoy a nice bowl of oatmeal that is being saved for later. Chase cat off counter, and throw out half cat-eaten oatmeal. Desperate now. Arrowroot cookies? J's favorite! J eats most of two cookies, then insists that he is done.

Take J to living room. Watch Sesame Street. Tremendous fun is had! I miss watching Sesame Street with J.

Take J upstairs. Change and get ready for the day's busy activities. Take J to give him a new diaper before we go out. J lies on the table, and looks weepy and forlorn. I figure it out. J is tired. I pick J up, and I put him in his crib. J curls up with his Panda and his blankie and falls asleep immediately.

Call H and explain delay. Call Memaw and move plans to later.

Do quiz for school. A moment of peace like this may not arrive again, and I should take full advantage of it. I got a couple of questions wrong, but the quiz only counts for 3% of my final mark. I got 2.5 out of 3, so that will be just fine. I could still get 99.5% in this class. I won't; but I could.

Review student lounge. Get annoyed. Students should stop asking the same questions over and over. They should read responses that went before. They should read the handbook. And perhaps the materials that came with their course. And they should post with descriptive subject lines, and not just say nondescript things like: "Question". And they should start new subjects when asking questions of the course tutor which are unrelated to the thread they are currently in. Don't ask a question about installing Accpac on your system in a thread that asks about a quiz!! Accpac isn't on the quiz!!

I am impatient. People in this program should be literate. Other students do not want to hold your hand and walk you through the printed material. The course clearly says when things are due. It tells you how to install Accpac. It talks about accessing the midterm. It details computer requirements. Quit asking stupid questions that are spelt out for you! And another thing ...

J wakes up.

Skip work activities. J is up now, but he is still tired and irritable. Phone time with friends instead. Yesssss!

Go meet Memaw. J screams through entire visit. And refuses to eat anything except Memaw's special currant cookies. Arrowroots aren't yummy enough after that; no sirree. J wouldn't even try them. Fun to see Memaw, but this was just not relaxing. But (and this is important), I have now tasted the world's best cup of hot chocolate. OMG, it was fantastic! It's "The Pomegranate" French hot chocolate. (They also make Belgian hot chocolate, but it's apparently not as sweet.) This special treat consisted of big chunks of French chocolate, ground up and melted into steamed milk, then frothed to perfection. Heavenly! (Nez would swoon, I swear.)

Not a good day to visit people, be they former coworkers or H at work. J is too screamy. I don't know why. But we skip the visits, and I drive J home. I give him Tylenol, thinking his teeth are probably hurting. He spits the Tylenol out on the carpet. He screams. He cries. He will not be consoled. Is he hungry? I try to give him pieces of bagel with cream cheese. J licks the cream cheese off, then throws the bagel pieces around the room. I make a mental note to vacuum later.

And off we go to the doctor. Let's weigh the baby. How's he doing? We're sure he's gained weight. He's eating a bit better these days. He doesn't throw up any longer. We've been relieved.

But that's over now. J has not gained weight. J has lost weight again. I am given a list of very specific instructions on ways to clog my child's arteries and kill him by the age of two get his weight back up. I leave, determined to follow the doctor's orders, help my baby to put on weight, and be a good mommy. J screams. Frustrated and at the end of my tether, I scream back. I am a terrible mommy. I apologize, and then sing "Baby I Love You" all the way home to make up for my tantrum. J likes "Baby I Love You".

We get home, and I make J a pile of sugar and grease special calorie-enhanced grilled cheese sandwich for dinner. J eats about half of it. H doesn't realize what it is and takes a bite before I can stop him. I think he's stopped vibrating now, and the colours have probably returned to normal. I hope so, anyway.

How to make J a grilled cheese sandwich nowadays:

1. Butter two slices of bread.
   
2. Spread a spoonful of Polycose calorie-enhanced powder (carbs and sugar; yum yum) over the buttered side of each slice of bread.
   
3. Layer several slices of full-fat cheese on the buttered side of one piece of bread and top with the other piece (buttered side down).
   
4. Melt lavish amounts of stick butter in a frying pan and put sandwich in the hot butter.
   
5. Add more butter. It should come halfway up the side of the sandwich.
   
6. Turn the sandwich periodically with a spatula, to brown both sides.
   
7. Add more butter. It should continue to be halfway up the side of the sandwich during the cooking process.
   
8. When the sandwich is nearly done, stop adding butter. Continue to turn the sandwich periodically.
   
9. Sandwich is done when it is a nice golden-brown and (and this is important) there is no more butter left in the frying pan.

Now, doesn't that sound yummy? I mean intensive care, leave your worries behind you, I hope you've done up a Will before you eat this, kind of yummy? Have you experienced heart failure just reading about it? Yes. That's what I thought.

J had a Minigo for dessert. More Polycose mixed into that. And milk. With Polycose. Polycose must be added to every component of every meal. It should be a separate food group on the Canada Food Guide. But it's not, and I hate giving it to my child.

Later, H vacuumed, and I took J for a nice walk. J was in the stroller, and we went down by the lake. It was a lovely time! J fell asleep in the stroller. Later, we canceled out on plans to visit with friends and eat pie this evening, because we were so excited that J was sleeping.

Probably just as well; I'd forgotten to take a tub of Polycose, a stick of butter, and a deep fat fryer to "enhance" J's pie-eating experience.

Why can't J be a healthy, chubby little baby, while I have problems gaining weight? Wny do I gain five pounds every time I look at a picture of a carrot in a menu?

I still feel fat. And I'm a bit irritable this evening. But tomorrow is a new day. I go back to work, and J goes back to daycare with specific instructions to fatten him up like a Thanksgiving Day turkey.

Pleasant.

Who says chickens can't fly?

We have a baby gate between the kitchen and living/dining room. We have to climb over the baby gate to go between the rooms. The kitchen is quite baby friendly, but it has a lot of angles to it. We still prefer that J hang out in the living room with his toys rather than in the kitchen. We can keep a better eye on him in the living room and, since he's starting to climb, it just works better that way.

We had KFC for dinner tonight. I was coming out of the kitchen with a big plate of chicken. I attempted my usual maneuver to climb over the baby gate into the living/dining room. But it didn't go as planned. There was a cat on the other side of the fence, and I stepped on her head. As I tried to move my foot, the cat tried to move her head, and ...

And that's when I lost my balance.

The result was massive carnage, as deep fried bits of chicken flew off the plate, piece by piece, landing in various spots in the living/dining room whilst I attempted to stop my fall. Unsuccessfully.

Eventually, I crashed into the side of the door leading to the basement, the chairs that are upended to prevent J from entering the little landing to the basement, and the aforementioned baby gate. It hurt. A lot.

And as I crashed, I watched helplessly as the rest of the chicken flew off the plate. Piece by piece.

Now, through all of this, H was standing in the living room, not two feet away from me. And what, might you ask, did he do? Did he try to stop my fall? Did he help me up? Or did he just stand there, doubled-over in hysterics, laughing 'til the tears ran, like a jackass? Hmm. Let's see if I can remember. While I kick him.

Now, I am bruised and appear to have several pulled muscles in my torso. But as long as I can amuse my husband, isn't that what really matters?

Yah. I hope you enjoy your floor-chicken, buddy-boy.

**********

On another note, I received a very cool letter in the mail today:

"On behalf of the [Association's] Alberta Research and Education Fund, I congratulate you on being named the recipient of the Level 2 Tuition Scholarship. This $750 award recognizes the highest average for the 2005/2006 academic year."

The letter goes on to invite H and I to a very nice luncheon at a fancy-schmancy restaurant for the awards ceremony. A cool letter! $750! Lunch! Much wootness!

I hope they don't serve chicken.

My car

My car is a fixer-upper.
Except that it's too old to fix up.
But my car has character.

My car was in an accident before I even got it.
Written off, and rebuilt.
Repainted.
My car has faded over time.
Now the front is coral.
Body is red, and back bumper is maroon.
My car is not beautiful.

My car has dents.
Big honkin' paint-scraped-off dents.
And one of the rear doors no longer opens.
Without strain.
Because of the dents.

My car has windows that don't roll down.
And it only blows mildly warm air.
When it's cold and wet out, the windows are prone to fog up.
Unless I use both hands.
Fight and curse.
Force the window to crack open.
Then, it's a bit better.
But I get rained on.

My car has a clock radio.
It's not so hot.
My car only gets bad a.m. radio.
On more than one occasion.
I have driven to work.
Listening to "The Name Game".
The clock is set to some preposterous time.
It's not that I can't tell time.
But the clock is set by disconnecting the battery.
Then you have to reconnect it.
At either noon or midnight.
So the time will be right.
And I can't be bothered.

My car has an interesting dashboard.
All of the dashboard lights are burnt out.
The gas gage doesn't work.
So we fuel according to mileage.
The tacometer is affected by the windshield wipers.
And the wipers only run on really-extra-super-fast.
But the temperature gage is starting to work again.
Knock wood.

My car has a leaky radiator.
We have tried to fix it.
Recently, we have given up.
Now, we just top it up with coolant when it's low.
It's a slow leak.
It doesn't bother us much.
But the pavement out front has dark patches.
Under my car.
I don't care.
I don't own the pavement out front.

My car is gutless.
It won't do more than 60 km/hr on a hill.
But it gets me where I need to be.
And I appreciate it.

My car is old.
And it lacks many finer luxuries.
But it is my car.
It runs.
All of its exterior lights work.
It has signal lights.
It comes equipped with mirrors.
It has a fully functioning battery.
It is red.
Or reddish.
Depending on where you look.
It takes me to work and home each day.
In rush hour.

I like my car.
I think it's charming.

But my car is, apparently, invisible.
I see no other explanation.
My car gets rear-ended every other month.
I would think that my car would stand out.
Given its rather unique appearance.
But it apparently does not.
It cannot be seen.
Except by me.
And other drivers.
But only after they have slammed into it.
Apparently.

Dear other drivers.
If you're going to hit me.
And injure my neck.
Could you please hit me at higher speeds.
So that there will be more damage to my car.
And I can claim my resultant injuries.
On your insurance.
Without raising eyebrows.
But no.
Instead, I must pay the chiropractor.
Out of my own pocket.
Each and every time.
At least I can be grateful for benefits.

I like my car.
I like other drivers.
I really do.
But my neck hurts.
Again.
And I must go and lie down now.

Tired

I am tired. I am tired of being a fat girl. Can't find clothes to fit, nor a flattering hairstyle. Everything makes me look huge. Because I am huge. I feel like I am starting to look my age, and I hate it. My age is ... old. Drunken homeless people stop me on the street to ask for change, and then they tell me that I'm ugly. I try to lose the weight, but I just can't seem to do it. Fat and ugly, and that's who I am. Apparently.

Also, sick. Sick this week. Have a cold. Last night, managed to fight off an impending migraine. Still not all better. Have to leave for work soon.

Must get in better spirits. I can't feel like this at work. It's a fantastic job, and I like it a lot. I'm sure my mood will improve while I'm there. Isn't that an interesting concept ... work improving your mood. First job I've ever had that can accomplish that one.

Very busy. Work, school, family. No time to feel poorly.

But I do.

Mountain View

We went to the mountains this past weekend. Had a blast! Despite the fact that little J was sick the entire time, and kept sneezing everywhere.

Here is a photo recap of our trip.

This is where we got to stay:




In Lake Louise:


Kananaskis Country:




Bullwinkle Was Here:


Scenery Shots:





Home Again, Home Again: