Irritation and Injuries

Yesterday, I turned my back for a moment to put in a video for J to watch. J took that opportunity to swan dive off the couch, landing directly on his face on the hardwood. Good times.

I worked to stop the blood that was pouring from J's nose and mouth, trying to console my little boy, while also admonishing him that "This is why Mommy and Daddy tell you not to jump off the furniture like that". I realized that he'd banged his mouth and nose but good, and he'd also smacked his chin and forehead. He had tooth punctures in both his upper and lower lips. I was worried about his mouth. His teeth. His nose. His head. Oh dear ... I hope his teeth are okay; his nose not broken; he has no concussion.

And J screamed and cried. And I applied pressure to his nose and mouth. And I phoned H. And I carried the crying J up the stairs, while he shrieked, waking N from his nap with screams of "I WANT MY N!!!" (It's sweet that he's so attached to his little brother.)

J went to emergency. He is okay. No breaks; no stitches. Popsicles to reduce the swelling in his mouth. And he feels better today. Sadly, he continues to leap off the furniture like a little maniac. But hopefully, he has learned to land on his feet and yesterday's faceplant will not be repeated.

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Today, I feel agitated. It's a general unhappy rage. I'm not 100% certain of what has caused it, but it is there nonetheless. I don't like it. I wish it would go away. But these moods take time to pass. And so, I wait. And as I wait, I brood. And question everything and everyone around me. And wish for a happy headspace, which will only come when it is good and ready.

Mood swings are a part of me, and you'd think I'd be used to them by now. But apparently, I am not. So for now, I grit my teeth and wait for the tides to turn. I hope happy, fun posts will soon appear. They'll come; they always do. Just takes time.

That's what friends are for. Right? Hello?

I've known you for a long time.

You were my friend. We flirted with a brief attraction, but it never materialized into anything meaningful. We dated other people, and we were always happy for each other. We were destined to be friends. It worked for us. It was good.

You explored my interests, and I yours. Some stuck; others didn't. We moved on. Always close. Always friends. We'd lose touch on and off, but it was never for too long. We were always happy to run into each other again and catch up. It was good. Always good.

You were at my wedding, happy to see me commit. Heartfelt congratulations and happy memories. Laughing and joking. Good times with old friends. You meant a lot to me. I was glad you were there.

And then you moved away. I was sad to see you go, but happy for the life that you were building for yourself in a new city. You came for a visit, and I made a point of seeing you. I went for a brief visit with family who lived near you. Time was precious, but I made a point of meeting up with you and your girlfriend. You were important, and I wanted to see you. Your girlfriend seemed nice. You seemed happy. I was happy for you, and you seemed happy for me. Our lives were different now. We found ourselves on different paths, facing different challenges. But our friendship was strong. Timeless. We would always be there for each other. We would always support one another. Life was good.

We were destined to be friends. That's how it was meant to be. We were good at it. Good friends are hard to come by. But we'd found it. It worked for us. Friendship was forever.

What happened?

I've known you for a long time ...

Happiness Is

Last night, H was trying to give J his appetite stimulant. J used to take it quite willingly, but he's changed his mind about it recently. He fights. He puts his hands over his mouth. He runs away and tries to hide. He spits it all out and requires a second attempt.

Last night, I asked J if he wanted to lie in Mommy's lap while Daddy gave him the medicine. J agreed.

J crawled up on the couch beside me, climbed into my lap, and laid down in my arms. H came over with the little syringe, and he and I caressed J's sweet little face for a moment before giving him his little dose.

J: I'm soooooo happy!

And then he happily swallowed all of his medicine on the first try.

I love the things J says and does now. I love it when he runs up and hugs me, gives me kisses, wants to sit in my lap, wants me to sit beside him at the table for dinner. I love when he climbs up on the big stools so that he can eat his dinner at the kitchen island, and when he stuffs his teddy bears into the electric fireplace for safekeeping. I love how he climbs up on top of his slide house and pretends that he's riding a horse or a dinosaur, and when he grabs the top bar and swings. I love when he insists that we take pictures of his antics.

One thing that J says now, which I really enjoy is:

J: I like you!

It's such a happy, sincere expression. And it's just so sweet.

J has his moody times still, of course. They are frequent. But his happy times are doing more and more to compensate for his bouts of bad temper. And he's so much fun when he's happy and playful.

I love being J's mommy. I look forward to the day when I can get up off the couch again and play with him properly. He adds so much to our lives. And, to quote J: "I'm soooooo happy!"

J, you are 2!!!

J will not tell us his age. He refuses to talk about it at all. He does not even acknowledge that he has an age. Apparently, J is ageless.

H: How old are you?
J: NO!
H: How old is J?
J: NO!
H: Are you 2?
J: NO!
H: Are you 1?
J: NO!
H: Are you 3?
J: NO!
H: Are you 75?
J: NO!

Time passes ...

H: Did you have fun today?
J: Yeah.
H: Did you play?
J: Yeah.
H: Did you lie on the floor under a towel?
J: Yeah.
H: Did you play peekaboo?
J: Yeah.
H: Did you eat soup?
J: Yeah.
H: Was it good?
J: Yeah.
T: Are you a bunny?
J: Yeah.
H: Are you 2?
J: NO!

Time passes ...

H: And there were how many little bears?
J: Three bears.
H: Sitting on how many chairs?
J: Three chairs.
H: And how many little kittens?
J: Two kittens.
H: And how old is J?
J: NO!

Clearly, he is a force to be reckoned with.

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In other news, I have to work tomorrow again. April is rough for me, and I have to put in a lot of overtime. It's been a long week. I'm still feeling sore. And I'm extremely temperamental. Cranky, if you will. Medication ... car accident ... stress ... exhaustion ... there's no need to decide. I couldn't, even if I wanted to. I swear, the entire house reeks of cat pee, and I just can't wait to get rid of this carpet and lay down the nice laminate flooring we've bought. I lost one of my expensive earrings today, which ticks me off something fierce. This is my lot; metal allergies make jewelry costly, and it's a nuisance when it gets lost. And tonight, J decided to sit in his little plastic sandbox wagon which is not sturdy at all; it toppled and he put his tooth through his little lip when he landed. And now, I have reflux. It's been a rough day. Next week is going to be terribly busy. And I can't wait for it to be May!!!

Breathe ... sleep ... tomorrow is another day ...

Another day of work ... oh well ...

I woke up irritable

This does not bode well for a good and productive day.

J was up three times last night. Eventually, he went back to sleep. But by then, neither H nor I could sleep properly. H got up to go and play on the computer. I eventually went back to sleep, and so did H. We both slept late. I had bad dreams. I awoke really angry, because of something that happened in my own subconscious. Stupid, but I couldn't do anything about it. I left the room to study. J saw me, and flipped out.

And now, I am blogging when I ought to be studying.

But my foul mood is dissipating. H and J are both up now, and I can hear H through the wall in J's room. He is dressing J for the day, and singing "Smooth Operator" like a children's song. It makes me smile.

Okay, that's enough. I'm going to get back to my books now.

Smart people are good at things

I, however, excel at nothing. Ergo ...

Tonight, I am a little black raincloud. Had a bad day at work and got stuck there late. Some jerk in a Smart Car flashed his high beams then flipped me off on my drive home - and I wasn't even doing anything! Bumper to bumper traffic for miles, all because there was a stalled vehicle in the shoulder on the freeway. (Why people can't drive properly, I'll never know.) Nearly ran out of gas trying to get through the gridlock, which took about an hour and a half. Somehow, my bookbag got all wet and soaked through; my textbooks are nice and ruined. Working on my quiz, but I just don't get it. And a well-intentioned email just rubbed salt in an old wound.

I feel dumb. And ineffective. And generally useless. And sad. And angry. All at once.

And I wonder if I'll ever actually graduate, or if I should just stop the whole stupid endeavor now. Apparently, I am incapable of understanding anything or applying even that small bit of knowledge that I have. Stupid people can't get professional designations. Maybe I shouldn't even try any longer.

I need chocolate.

Steel Magnolias

This is a sad post. Just saying.

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Tonight, H and I went out without J. We went to see "Steel Magnolias". I'd never seen either the play or the movie, and I didn't know the plot. H had seen the movie, but he didn't enjoy it all that much. But my sister-in-law was in the play, so we went. And it was very well done. (As an aside, it's always nice to have an evening out!)

I am glad that I went. And I am glad that I didn't know the plot ahead of time. If I had known, I probably would have elected not to go. And that's not right; it's family, after all. And it's a really good show, besides.

Now don't get me wrong here. There is absolutely nothing wrong with the plot. There is just a problem with me watching that particular plot. It's a very sad show that made me think about things on which I prefer not to focus.

The problem with me and Steel Magnolias, you see, is that it's a little too real and a little too close. In fact, it's far too real. Far too close. I cried. I cried too much, really. And then I tried to think about mundane, everyday occurrences to try to block it. But that doesn't really work. I can't block this. Not really.

It was her story. It was the same in virtually all material respects. It contains phrases of explanation. Phrases that I have heard myself say a hundred times over. She was my friend. I miss her. I still miss her. I will always miss her.

She left on October 20, 1993. She was survived by her new husband, her two beautiful children, her parents, her siblings, and her friends. Really, she was survived by almost everyone she ever knew. Because she was only 22 years old. And maybe it should have been expected because she'd been sick for so long ... because she'd known of her condition for nearly her entire life. But it wasn't expected. Not by me. Not by her. Not by any of us.

She was a beautiful, caring, giving person. A mother. A new wife. A young woman, full of promise and with a lot more living to do.

And then, she was gone.

I miss you, 'Chelle. You, and the kids. I don't even know where they are any longer. I have no way to find out. But I think of them often. Anytime I think of you, they are right there with you. In my thoughts. In my prayers. I hope that they have heard all about what a wonderful and amazing woman you were. I hope they have at least that much.

I miss you, 'Chelle.

Random Crypticness

Just for entertainment, walk around your office saying "I'm all out of Percocet". Entertaining. But sadly, true. Ow.

A very smiley J, wearing pastel green and blue one-piece pajamas with feet, a brown faux leather aviator jacket, and a red and black felt Elmer Fudd hat with ear flaps ran up to me tonight as I lay on the couch and demanded "Uppie". He makes me happy.

Why is my course site down? It's been down for most of the evening. I'd like it to come back up again. Very much. Behind. Been working with the site down. But I need it.

Friends and family are expecting. I am very happy for all of them. But my glee is tempered by a terrible loss to those nearest me. Near and dear. Sudden and tragic. RIP.

Happy. Sad. Frustrated. Pained. It's a rough kind of night for mood.

What about me?

Do I have the right to be angry?
Do I have the right to be upset?

I certainly hope so.

I am angry.
Really angry.

Deal.

Frustrated Incorporated

Yes. Incredibly frustrated. Searingly, sickeningly, ridiculously frustrated.

I don't want to say why. Why? Because I feel like an idiot, and I'd rather not share the reasons for that with the world. Or even the two or so other people who read my blog. But I am stupid. And that is all you need know.

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Now J is calling both his Panda and his Grandpa "Mama". I am unimpressed.

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I got a new haircut today. It's short! I can feel the back of my neck without lifting my hair. It's nicely layered, for movement and wave. I think it will look better when I redo it myself, though; people at salons can never get my hair to look "right".

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H took J out today. I got some studying done. Not enough, but some. Working away. This course is going fairly smoothly thus far. I hope that continues.

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Random fact of the day: If you forget to put a plastic jug of milk in your fridge, and instead, you just leave it in a plastic bag in your entranceway for three days because you don't notice that it is still there, it will leak all kinds of hellishly horrible slimy crapiness all over your linoleum. It will be roughly the colour of urine, but stickier, and much, much more disgusting. It may make you want to hurl. So remember the milk. Put it away. Don't leave it in your entranceway. Seriously. It smells really bad.

I call him "Panda"

J, I love you.

I'm sorry I had to go back to work full-time. I'm sorry you are in daycare and not spending your days at home with me. I'm sorry that I have to study at night and be away from you even more. I'm sorry I don't get to spend anywhere near as much time with you as I want to. You are my priority. I want to spend all of my time with you, but I also have to look after you and provide for you. I want you to have the best of everything. It's a sacrifice right now, and it's one I have to make. And I'm sorry. Please try to understand.

I know that you love your Panda. I am glad that you have him. I am glad that he can go with you to daycare and sit in your crib watching you play. I am glad that he is there, waiting for you to come and cuddle during naptime. I am glad that he comes home with you each night, and that you can carry him about by his wee paw, dragging him behind you wherever you go. I am glad that your Panda is such a special friend to you. I am glad that he comforts you. I am glad that you love your Panda.

But please stop calling your Panda "Mama" now. That is my name. I am your mother. Panda is your bear. Please, sweetheart. I feel badly enough about leaving you each day. I don't want you to tell me that your Panda is raising you in my place, and that he makes a much better parent.

I want to be the only "Mama" in your life. Can I please be "Mama"? And we'll just call your Panda something else.

Okay? Please?

Things you never thought you'd hear yourself say (and other bits)

Sometimes, things confuse me. Stuff that happens. People I know. People I knew. Self-destructive behaviours.

Sometimes, there are things that I just don't get. Reflections on the irrelevant. Or the once relevant, but now no longer. Random searches for the word "puke". A desire to focus on the negative.

It must be Sunday. I never could get the hang of Sundays.

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On another note, here is a "Things You Never Thought You'd Hear Yourself Say", contributed by H:

"I think Rookie Bear is upset that you abandoned him for a tube of toothpaste."

Seething

RAGE!! RAGE!!!

PayPal continues to suck.

And don't send me customer service satisfaction surveys when you clearly don't care what I think of you and have no desire to provide me with effective service in any event!

Now process my refund, give me back my 50 bleeding cents, and let me be done with you.

Why is that so hard?

**********

Yes. Your assertions are correct. Irrelevant and inconsequential. But correct. Good for you.

Collect two IQ points from petty cash, and go home.

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J's appointment is tomorrow. So tomorrow, I have to take my precious little boy who I love more than life itself to the hospital. Where they will try to make him vomit to see why he is so fussy and doesn't eat.

Maybe it's because he doesn't want to vomit. Maybe it's painful to puke. Ever think of that?

**********

I am a little black raincloud...

Depressed

Too much has come up in the last month or so. Funds are now very tight. And the credit card company actually phoned to find out if we were the ones using the card.

We were.

Feeling blue. At least I'm back at work, so we should be able to handle it, given a bit of time. It's been a few emergency situations, but honestly, it's mostly of our own making. Which is no consolation.

I hate debt.

A mood is

A mood is sometimes just there.
For no reason.
Sometimes random, without warning.
A change in the weather.
And you feel it.

You fight it.
You run, but it chases you.
Overpowering you.
It insists that it stay.
Takes hold.

The mood is nonsensical.
Tension release.
Extreme joy.
Sudden crash.
And the mood has its way.

**********

No more mood. Chocolate now. Chocolate good.

My water baby

Yesterday, J had pancakes with maple syrup at breakfast. He thought they were yummy. We were pleased.

Yesterday afternoon, we went to L&P's place for a barbecue. J ate his usual Minigo type fare, but also enjoyed a Digestive biscuit. He stunned me when, while chewing on my locket, he managed to undo the chain and pull the entire loose locket into his mouth. Fortunately, I noticed before he tried to swallow it, and I fished it out. The picture inside is ruined, but it was outdated anyway. Time for a new photo.

Today, J had toast with crabapple jelly for breakfast. We went to church this morning, and really enjoyed it. I think we will go back to that church; it seems like a good place.

This afternoon, H and I took J to a barbecue that my new moms network had arranged. It was good to see everyone again; I haven't seen them since I went back to work. J enjoyed a bun, some ground beef, and some processed cheese. He was doing well, until he shoved too much bun into his mouth at one time; then he gagged and threw up. But he kept eating his ground beef and cheese afterwards. More table foods - always good. I hope we'll soon be able to get J off the baby food completely.

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J loves bath time. He really loves bath time.

After returning home from the barbecue this afternoon, we concluded that J should have a bath. (He wasn't smelling like his usual April fresh self, after having thrown up.) So we decided to bathe him.

I held the still fully-clothed J in my arms, and started to run his bath. Temperature seemed good. I stopped the drain, and added some bubbles. Squirmy J tried to climb down into the tub while still fully clothed. I held him tightly, refusing to allow J to get his little Robeez soaked in the tub. He screamed, demanding his bath right that minute. Resolutely, I marched him into his bedroom, laid him out on the changetable, and got him undressed and ready for his bath. He screamed the whole time.

I carried the now bath ready J back into the bathroom, and stood him by the tub while I checked the water temperature. J was still unimpressed that he was not in the water. The water was too hot. I ran some cold water, to cool the water off a bit. J waited impatiently, and then peed on the bathmat to express his displeasure.

Finally, the bath was ready. I put J in his tub ring, and gave him his bath. He played with all his tub toys, and laughed and laughed. And the J saw that it was bath time, and it was good.

After the bath, I wrapped J in his towel, and dried him off. And then I gave him his baby lotion massage. Today, this made him giggle. A lot. He usually doesn't giggle so much. It must have tickled for some reason.

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Tonight, I lay close to J and tried to convince him that it was bed time. J insisted that it was not. He drank his milk, sucked on his soother, stood up, sat down, laid down, crawled around, and generally played instead of relaxing as I wanted him to. I talked to my mother on the phone while waiting for J to settle down. We discussed the words that J is learning. He can say "Mama", "Daddy", "Up", and "Baby". As I said each word into the phone, J repeated the word. He continued this until I hung up the phone. But once I hung up, J refused to speak to me any further! I assume he was just showing off for Grandma.

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Life is good. I enjoy my life. It's a most pleasant feeling to sit back and contemplate your life as it is now, and your life as you'd like it to be, and then to realize that the two are not so far apart after all.

I love my life. I want what I have. I just want more of it. All things I'll have in time. And that's pretty cool.

I feel grateful. Grateful to my friends. Grateful to my family. Grateful to my God. The world is a beautiful place, and it makes me happy.

Life is good.

Things I love

I love it when the mailman delivers my mail to my address. Y'know, instead of confusing us with that other guy down the street, like he so often does.

I love when there are no bills in my mail. It's an infrequent occurrence, and it makes me very happy.

I love that my exam will be over tonight. Yippee!

I love my friends and family. They're very supportive. I'm glad I have them.

I love my work environment. They're very cool over there.

I love those few precious moments when I have time to myself and can update my blog. But I also love the many interruptions and distractions that the J provides. He's such a precious little sweetheart.

Today, I'm in love with life and everything in it. It's going to be a good day. Busy, but good. I can sense it.

Of course, we'll see how I feel about that after my exam tonight ... but hopefully, I'll still be in good spirits.

I love knowing that it's going to be a good day.