All apologies

Dear N,

I know that your teeth hurt. And I know that you are tired of being in your swing. And I know that you want to be held, and cuddled, and fed copious amounts of fresh milk until you pass out in a happy little delirium with milk dribbling down your chin, dreaming of sugarplum fairies and really hot cars. And I think that's great. Those are lovely ambitions. Everyone should have a goal.

I understand that you are displeased with me, your humble servant. I appreciate that you feel my performance is less than stellar, as I am not quick enough to respond and cater to your every whim. But must you be quite so forceful in expressing your displeasure?

Seriously. Stop it.

I have fed you. A lot. I have held you, cuddled you, whispered sweet nothings and cooed to you as I looked deeply into your big blue eyes and smiled happily at you. I have given you Tylenol for your teeth, changed your diaper, burped you, and wiped the spittle from your face. I have pushed you in your swing just exactly the way you like to be pushed, sung songs to you, and ensured that your little stuffed-kitties-on-a-teething-ring toy is always close-by. And I sincerely don't know what more you could want. You have been treated like royalty. You have been fed, changed, snuggled, drugged ... this type of treatment would make most people very happy. But not you, oh my sweet baby of doom. You will not be content until you have thoroughly demonstrated your incredible vocal powers, so that all of the neighbours may take note and fully appreciate your amazing gift.

Why do you scream at me with such ferocity, making my head throb and my ears bleed as you permanently damage my hearing with your high pitched shrieks of rage? Your needs have been met insofar as I can meet them. It is perfectly apparent that you are tired and should just go to sleep now. And if you would stop screaming long enough to close your eyes and drift off into peaceful slumber, I feel you would quite enjoy it.

I know I would.

Love,

Your Mother

Go Away Diego, Go

J decided not to have his nap today. So we watched some Treehouse. "Go Diego, Go" was on Treehouse this afternoon. It's the boy's version of "Dora the Explorer". Both shows are very popular with children J's age, but as adults, H and I find them to be extremely annoying to watch.

Diego: My Rescue Pack can transform into whatever we need!
H: Can it transform into a decent TV show?

And on the subject of interesting things that were said in our house today:

J: Don't put dinosaurs down the furnace.

A J never sleeps

J has decided that he wants cuddles before bed. He's suddenly developed a fear of the dark, and he doesn't like being left alone for bedtime.

J doesn't enjoy bedtime. He argues about it. He delays it. He demands cuddles and a sippy-cup of milk. J hasn't had a sippy-cup in many months, but we've had to dig this old relic up once more for his new night-time ritual. Usually, he wakes up several times a night and wants cuddles.

Last night was particularly dreadful.

I'd spent the weekend at the hospital. Everything is pretty well fine, but I've added kidney stone to the list of pregnancy problems, and I needed to spend some time at the RAH. It was not a great weekend. But they released me Sunday afternoon and let me come home. I'm trying to stay hydrated and rested, and hoping to manage this at home. But if the nights are like last night, ... well ...

J awoke.

"I wanna cuddle for a little bit"
"Upp-ie!"
"I wanna cuddle!"
"I WANNNNNNAAAA CUUUUDDLLLE FOR A LITTTTTLE BIIIIITTTTT!!!!"

Minutes pass ...

[Sing-song]
"Soccer ball, soccer ball
Soccer ball, soccer ball
Soccer ball, soccer ball"

Minutes pass ...

"Froggie is stinky. Poopie Froggie? It's ok, Froggie. I'll change your bum."

Narration of the diaper change being performed on J's stuffed Froggie ensues ... followed by a diaper change on Cow ... and one on Big Bad Wolf, who was presumably so poopie that he needed toilet paper ...

Minutes pass ...

"Mommy, can you turn on Treehouse?"
"Shrek the Third?"
"Treehouse?"

Minutes pass ... Mommy gets up for her ritual 3:00 a.m. hurl ...

"Mommy's vomiting in the big potty. She's vomiting in the big potty"

Followed by narration ...

"She vomits ... again ... and again ... and again ... and again ..."

Minutes pass ... J falls out of bed ... We put him back in bed ...

"Can you cover me up, Mommy?"

Mommy obliges. Minutes pass ...

"Can you cover me up, Mommy?"

Daddy responds ...

"No! Mommy!! Can you cover me up, Mommy? I WANT MOMMY!!!"

An argument erupts over whether or not Daddy is as good a cover-upper as Mommy ...

Eventually, J went back to sleep. I am tired. But I must stay up and drink lots and lots of water. There are still kidney stones to flush out of my system. Fun for the whole family!

I woke up irritable

This does not bode well for a good and productive day.

J was up three times last night. Eventually, he went back to sleep. But by then, neither H nor I could sleep properly. H got up to go and play on the computer. I eventually went back to sleep, and so did H. We both slept late. I had bad dreams. I awoke really angry, because of something that happened in my own subconscious. Stupid, but I couldn't do anything about it. I left the room to study. J saw me, and flipped out.

And now, I am blogging when I ought to be studying.

But my foul mood is dissipating. H and J are both up now, and I can hear H through the wall in J's room. He is dressing J for the day, and singing "Smooth Operator" like a children's song. It makes me smile.

Okay, that's enough. I'm going to get back to my books now.

Cars, tears, and grilled cheese sandwiches

The car is demised. Or at least extremely ill. I hope it can be fixed for relatively low cost. It has served me well for many many years and has depreciated accordingly. We may need to replace rather than repair. We shall soon see. In the meantime, getting to and from work should be an interesting experience.

**********

You have not truly appreciated a grilled cheese sandwich until you have watched a small boy attempt to eat one with a spoon. Most enjoyoable.

Tonight, J also tried to eat banana pieces with a spoon. The spoon is the utensil of choice, apparently. Fun to play with, too!

**********

J only cried for about two minutes tonight. He was exhausted. He wouldn't even let me finish storytime, and just insisted on bed. He was still unimpressed to be put down without the customary snuggles, but things are improving. Hopefully it will keep getting better over time.

How can instinct be incorrect?

Every instinct I have tells me that I should pick up my son and comfort him when he cries. Every instinct I have tells me that if he wants me, I should go to him. I want J to know that I am there for him, and that I will always be there when he needs me. I want him to feel safe and secure and loved.

I love my son. I love holding him, rocking him, singing to him, kissing him. I love snuggling him to sleep at night and reassuring him. He has said that he needs this, and I have been happy to meet his needs.

But now, he has started to awaken through the night, to refuse to be put down to sleep at all, and to demand constant cuddles. H and I can't get any sleep, and we can't help but feel that our son should not sleep in the bed with us, even though he really wants to and we don't particularly mind cuddling him all night long.

Tonight, I read J some books before bed. Then I cuddled him and his teddy bears until he was nice and calm. And then I picked him up and moved him to his crib, despite his protests. I laid him down, kissed his head, said goodnight, and left the room. And J screamed.

I went downstairs and cried.

J is still in his crib, quiet but awake. He has been quiet but awake for quite some time now. My child does not know how to fall asleep on his own, because I have failed to teach him. And I feel emotionally drained and like a bad parent, because I have failed him in this.

Tonight, I will not pick up J when he awakens. I will hold my ground. I will not be manipulated by my child.

And it will hurt. And I will cry. But at the end of the night, God willing, I will emerge victorious. I will be the parent in this scenario.

But all I will want to do is hold my son and comfort him ... it's going to be a long night ...

The Agony and the Exhaustion

It was an eventful weekend.

Friday night, we met up with an old friend who was sadly in town for his father's funeral. We hadn't seen him in a long time. I was glad that he had some time to see us, even if the reasons why he was in town were bad. J pitched a fit at the Second Cup, and we had to leave pretty early. (He just hates sitting still.)

Saturday, we took my mother-in-law shopping, and then we all met up with my brother-in-law and his wife for his birthday lunch. Then we took my car over to my parents' place so Dad could stop the radiator from leaking. (It's still leaking a bit, but we don't know why.) And then, of course, the vandalized garden happened. Ticked me off. We didn't do a lot else. But after J was asleep, we decided to use our Shaw-Video-On-Demand feature for the first time, and we watched "The Producers" (the new one). It was pretty darned good.

Yesterday, we met up with my birthmom for brunch. We haven't seen her in a really long time, and it was good to get caught up. J refused to let her hold him.

Then we stopped off to get a present for L&P's little girl, G. She's 2 years old now, and what a little cutie! We went over there for a BBQ and to hang out with friends. Much fun was had. G's sister, I, is really cute too. She's the big girl in the group, and she enjoys showing the little babies how to do things. She had fun playing with J, and even helped us change his diaper; she distracted him during the ordeal so he wouldn't cry and squirm. I think she will make an excellent babysitter some day; she really seems to like the really little kids.

Moody yesterday. Ate ice cream. J wouldn't nap, and kept throwing tantrums. He also refused to sleep last night, and decided that he was in an insecure place. He needed to be cuddled. A lot. Even after he had fallen asleep (we can usually move him without issue, but not last night). We were up really late. And I awoke disoriented and insisted that we had to get up or we'd be late. It was early.

I am tired. I hope I can make it through today without passing out at my desk.

'Night ... zzzzzzzz ...

Ouchie!

Dear J:

Why do you bite? It hurts so very much. Please don't bite.

And please don't cry.

And please go to sleep.

Mommy is sad. She needs you to help her be happy. She needs a good sleep tonight, with playtime and quiet cuddles tomorrow. Please give these things to her. She is starting to feel stressed out, and this lack of sleep is affecting her badly. Mommy wants to be well-rested and happy again.

I love you. We'll play tomorrow. I promise. But for now, please settle down. Please, little sir?

Love and kisses,

Mommy

Feeling frustrated

Edit: the link in this post used to contain a rant. I was having a moment, and I needed a good tear. I have since decided that I need to focus on all that is positive in my life, and there is plenty of it. I no longer wish to preserve this particular rant, because I no longer need it.

That is freeing, somehow!

Tonight, I am feeling frustrated. Things are affecting me more than they probably should.

J has been sick with a bad ear infection, and he has been in emergency twice this week with high fevers and inconsolable crying. He had a doctor's appointment today for a follow-up. His ears are looking better, but his weight is down. He is no longer in a weight category for his age, and that is alarming. We have to find a way to get him to gain weight over the next 3 weeks, or else he will have to go into the hospital and be put on a feeding tube. We have been instructed to supplement him with formula. But that's a problem, because he won't take formula. Not by any means. (H is now resorting to dipping J's soother in the formula and putting the soother in J's mouth!)

The doctor decided to run blood and urine tests on J to see if there is any reason for his low weight other than just requiring extra calories. We went to get those tests run tonight. J screamed and cried, and it was gut-wrenching for us. He also twisted, and it took 3 people to hold him down. We have been told he will probably have bruises on his arms for a bit. It hurts me to see my baby in pain. But whatever gets him through this will be okay by me. I just want him to be okay and gain an acceptable amount of weight.

J has also decided that he wants to stay awake all night long. He was up past 2:00 a.m. today, wanting us to play with him. Demanding that we play with him, actually. I am functioning on very little sleep, and it is making me a bit testy.

And, with J being sick, I have found very little time to study. I am behind in my course, and I must find some time to get caught up. I hope to manage it this weekend, but we have some other obligations, most notably a funeral we need to attend. We have friends who are willing to watch J for us, so we can both go.

So with all of this going on, I think my brain needs a bit of a break. And I don't think it is particularly surprising that I might choose to focus on something petty and stupid. So I am choosing to do so. And it annoys me, but I am unable to break my focus. Perhaps if I make this entry, I will be able to free my mind and carry on with the more pressing concerns. (Or perhaps I just need the distraction. We'll see.)

Edit: I freed my mind. The entry has been altered accordingly. :)

I have a friend. She is nice. I like her. A lot. She's a good person. She's sweet, smart, generous to a fault, and has been a great support to me. She's a loving wife and mother and has life experience that she willingly shares with others. She's fun. She's talented. She's pretty amazing. And yes, she's a highly emotional presence who overreacts on occasion and who is opinionated like you wouldn't believe, but I find these things to be part of her charm. They are traits that help to form the wonderful and amazing person that she is. She's an irreplaceable, one of a kind friend who I respect and admire. She has earned that respect and admiration through her behaviours. I am proud to call her my friend.

She is one of a select group of really amazing people who I am very happy to have in my life. There are others. When I stop to think about it, I am really very blessed to have so many of these great people in my life.

I am pleased by the fact that I have people like this in my life. I am happy that I have good and supportive friends, who care about me and listen to me.

I am thankful for you, my friends! You're the best!!

I'm not tired. And I can type with my feet.

frm , mv jhv vc bbnbn m gvv b f v 9mnl; ' xz md56 v l i b h n mnd xfv cn

Go to sleep!

Mommy is sick. She has a chest cold, once again, and she keeps coughing and hacking. She has Christmas preparations to complete tomorrow. She has family coming for supper tomorrow evening. She has housework to do.

She is exhausted. Her arms are going numb. Her back aches every time she moves, coughs, or takes a deep breath. Her chest hurts from all the coughing. Her costochondritis is returning because of this.

Daddy is sleeping peacefully, despite your fits of rage. Mommy wants to go to bed too, but she finds your screams an unpleasant distraction. She wonders how Daddy can sleep through it. But she shouldn't be surprised; Daddy falls asleep in the middle of conversations. Mommy feels annoyed this morning, and she is easily irritated when she is tired like this.

Why will you not go to sleep so that Mommy can rest? Don't you care that she is so tired and weak that she wants to cry? Please go to sleep. Please?

Memories From Today

Today, J wore his "Baby's First Christmas" outfit for the first time. It is a very cute soft red sleeper with white feet and cuffs and a red hood with little white ears. The crowning glory is the large reindeer plastered on the butt and down the backs of both legs (complete with little stick-out ears). J looks sweet in it. But the little white ears on the hood sort of resemble horns and, with the hood up and in certain moods, J looks like the demon baby that sat on Rudolph. Cute anyway, though.

(H calls J "Reindeer-Butt" now. J had oatmeal on his face, and H referred to him as "Oatmeal-Face Reindeer-Butt". And this morning, when J was wearing his Randy Raccoon blankie over his face, H called him "Raccoon-Head Reindeer-Butt". Plenty of mileage to be had with that one.)

J is in his crib now. He rolled around until he got close to the side of the crib, then started raking his soother back and forth across the slats, sort of like a tin cup on jailhouse bars. Made me laugh.

J still isn't overly interested in sitting up, but he is capable of it. We sat him up in his crib, and he stayed there for quite some time before he decided lying down was more fun. But it seems to be a matter of choice at this point in time. If we encourage him with a toy (like his little crib activity centre) he is more eager to sit. Still, he prefers to be on the move, and he won't stay still for very long.

J seems to be teething again, and I am awaiting the arrival of the top teeth now. He was more interested in gnawing on his highchair tray than he was in eating today. I have had to break out the Baby Tylenol again.

I hope J sleeps well tonight. H and I could use a decent night's sleep. Tomorrow is J's last swimming lesson, and we have a lot of other stuff on the go as well. This promises to be a very active weekend.

*sigh*

(J is developing his own language a little bit, as a means of communicating with us. When he wants something, his eyes get all wide and he juts his little chin out in the direction of the desired object and says "Mmmmm! Mmmmmmmm!" He's doing it now, and I suspect he is wanting a late night feed before he falls asleep. Off I go.)

Woke up this mornin'

J was ticked and will not be consolled as of yet. I'd had bad dreams through my restless, fitfull sleep. And I feel unreasonably grumpy today. I would like to go back to bed and see if my mood improves with a bit more sleep, but unfortunately, J says "No".

J and I need to go into the office today, as it is a work friend's baby shower. So J will need to be well-fed, bathed, and put in his Christmas sleeper. (He looks so sweet in it.) I must also do laundry and some housework today. And some studying too, since I didn't fit any in yesterday.

Yesterday was a really good day. J's Memaw came for a visit; I love seeing her. J was awake when she arrived, and he was being quite argumentative about breakfast. But he played with her for a bit before becoming sleepy and grumpy (and probably a few other dwarfs too) and going down for a sleep through most of the remainder of our visit. She gave J some very generous Christmas presents (us too, btw). She is such a sweet and kind person, and I feel so grateful that we have her in our lives. Her daughter will be having a baby (in May, I believe), so she will have 2 little grandchildren then; J and new baby! I am very excited about this, and am thinking that we will have to find a way to get down to the States to meet the new arrival.

Yesterday evening, I went to the Association's mentorship networking reception. I met some great people, and came home with a few business cards. It was good to have this opportunity to make some good connections; I am glad I got to go.

Today is shaping up to be a great day too. I must find some way to lose my grumpy old attitude problem. I have much to be thankful for today, and it should be a beautiful and wonderful day, if I can just quit snarling about nothing. Everyone is entitled to a mood, I suppose, but I do not enjoy my bad mood and I wish to lose it.

Must dash. J says so. But first, I leave you with this. Makes you feel all warm and fuzzy inside, doesn't it?

J Loves His Toes

Toes are a very fun toy for J. But J can't play with his toes effectively if his mommy and daddy dress him in sleepers with feet. And sadly, J's mommy and daddy love to dress him in sleepers with feet, because he stays nice and warm that way. Yes, they are warm. But what to do about the toes?

What a dilemma for poor little J.

J has refused to nap to any great purpose today. I put him in his crib, hoping that he would go to sleep. But he stayed up playing instead. I could hear him playing happily. Eventually, I realized that J was not going to nap this afternoon. I went in to get him.

And there was J, lying in his crib, playing with his toes. Yes, despite the fact that he was wearing a sleeper with feet. He'd managed to get one leg (from toe to just below the knee) out, between the snaps of his sleeper legs, so his toes were nicely accessible for him. A big, happy smile was my reward for catching J with his toes out.

Well, he was having a good old time. But his foot was cold, so I dressed him properly again. He is unimpressed, but looking for other toys. Fortunately, pulling his mommy's hair is also fun.

He would be in better spirits if he would just nap. He is a very tired baby just now. Poor little man!

Not Napping

J is supposed to be napping. But instead, J is in his crib, lying perpendicular, and playing. He has moved up to the top of his crib and grabbed the toys which were once out of his reach. He has his "Randy Raccoon" blanket, and he is holding it by its little hands, face to face with the J, and they appear to be dancing while J tells Randy stories.

This is so cute!

Meanwhile, H has gone to Safeway to pick up cheap kitty litter. It's the only thing we think may be absorbent enough to soak up the terrible mess that's in the bottom of the now otherwise empty broken deepfreeze. It is apparently quite repulsive. My stomach is just too weak to allow me near it, but H has assured me that it is really gross and that I should stay away from it. I am happy to comply. Today, I plan to start cleaning up my messy office space.

Much housework to do, as things got way far behind while I was preparing for that exam. Must make house really spic and span for Christmas.

It's over!!

YAY!!!

I wrote my exam tonight. I think I did very well on it, but I won't get my mark back until January 24, so it's anybody's guess until then. Ah, the joys of a national exam.

I am pleased to announce that I memorized all of the underlying assumptions and qualitative criteria ... for nothing, as they were not on the exam after all. But they could have been, and they have been in the past, so I am still glad that I did it.

All in all, I believe I grasped most of the concepts. And I double-checked my work to make sure I didn't miss anything. I took pretty well every last moment of the 3 hours provided, and I feel good about doing so. There appeared to be an error in the multiple-choice section of the exam, which I wasn't too thrilled about. I ended up having to write a big long essay about how the correct answer to the solution was not one of the solutions provided, and what the correct answer should have been, and how it was arrived at, and providing diagrams and flowcharts and ...

Well, you get the gist. I also had to email my provincial association when I got home to advise them of the error in the exam and ask them to please do something about it. I don't want to lose 2 marks for something that is not my fault.

And now, on to Management Accounting 1. I hope it is a bit less demanding.

On another note, J was grumpy tonight for poor H. But he is happy and playing in his crib now. Of course he ought to be sleeping, but as long as he is happy, I'll take what I can get.

He is slowly learning to sit up, and can sit for (very) short periods of time if I position him correctly. But he is still more interested in movement than in being still, so sitting isn't high on his list of priorities. He can roll around very well now; boy, can this kid move! We have to keep a close eye on him now.

My sweet little J!

Love It/Hate It

Love it:

1. Cuddling with a calm and happy J
   
2. Relaxing as a family
   
3. Big smiles, starring J's two little bottom teeth
   
4. Phone calls for no reason
   
5. Long drives, movies, and dinners out
   
6. Small furry animals
   
7. My course tutor; she rocks!
   
8. Supportive family
   
9. Good friends
   
10. Warm, sunny fall days and star-filled nights

Hate it:

1. Migraines
   
2. Sinus infections
   
3. Earaches
   
4. Stomach pains
   
5. Moldy food in the fridge
   
6. Fur in my carpet, sinks, and every corner of my house
   
7. Modules 3 and 7 (I may add to this list later)
   
8. Trying to study modules 3 and 7 while suffering from 1 to 4 above
   
9. Being unable to see more of my supportive family and good friends because I have to study modules 3 and 7 while suffering from 1 to 4 above
   
10. Being unable to get out and enjoy a warm, sunny fall day because I have to study modules 3 and 7 while suffering from 1 to 4 above

J is reasonably happy this morning, which is good for cuddling. However, he is pretty determined to stay awake, which is poor for studying. He ate well and has been full of smiles, which is wonderful! I love him, and I resent my textbooks for restricting my cuddle time.

My exam will be done soon. I write on November 30. I start another class right after, but it's not supposed to be quite as intense. I hope to be able to clean my house and get out more to see folks at that time. I miss having fur-free sinks, and I miss seeing my friends and family.

J has decided to start screaming. (Wonderful for the migraine, let me tell you; I can't even take anything, because I'm still breastfeeding.) I'm going to go and deal with him; he should be ready for a nap now, I think.

Urgh!

In crunch mode

I cannot believe I am still up. Still running self-tests. Stopping now. Bedtime.

J is very active these days and not too inclined to have naps. I will pay dearly for this when he awakes. How stupid am I?

Nine more self-tests to run...exam prep audio lectures to listen to...and - what is it, 14 or 15 - practice and past exams to go through. Crumb!

Two weeks to exam date.

Baby ... school ... baby ... school ... baby ... school ...

You know you're tired when ...

... you cannot remember your brother's last name.

You know you're tired when ...

... you can no longer tell time. And you have a digital clock!

On a quasi-related note, J is sick today. He's been throwing up, and our household was up into the wee small hours dealing with him. I have a morning appointment that I can't get out of, so we have to go out today in spite of J's bug. I wish we could get out of it.

Poor little J is extremely cross today. I don't blame him. I wonder if I should dare trying to give him his cereal this morning. A hungry baby is not a happy baby, but neither is one that throws up oatmeal. Maybe we'll try sticking with liquids this morning and see how it goes.

One last thing, before I forget to make this entry: J can almost sit up on his own now. He's not quite there yet; it seems he has a lack of interest more than a lack of ability. But he'll get it soon, I think.