The following are contributed by H, who is busy dealing with J just now and cannot come to the computer:
"The whole cheese fiasco was a social experiment gone horribly awry".
"Welcome to the African safari. Be very quiet, for we are approaching the habitat of the notoriously fierce Jungle Sucky. Please keep your arms and legs in the vehicle, as the Sucky is known for its habit of leaping at its prey and attaching itself to the mouth, where it remains forever. Or until you are weaned."