Sunday, December 03, 2006

Hate mail

I despise you. I really do. You, and your evil offspring. You are all horrible.

Sure, you're cute. And in the past, I have quite enjoyed your pleasant chattering. But just now, I feel that it would be in my best interests to have you all exterminated. Of course, I would never do it. It's not that I think it would be wrong; it's just that it would be a waste of money, since there would be others just like you who would come along and replace you in an instant. But I desperately wish you would all leave voluntarily and let me live my life in peace.

It is the second time you and your evil offspring have done this to me. And on both occasions, you have cost me dearly. Nobody in my community liked you, except for me. I defended you staunchly. And then, you attacked, and all bets were off.

After the first occasion, I am somewhat ashamed to admit that my family had your home destroyed. But you would not be swayed, and you moved to another domicile, not 20 feet away! I got used to you, and we lived in peace for a time. You returned to your pleasant chatter, and I returned to defending your behavior. But eventually, I just moved away from you. I thought that this would be the end of our relationship. And when you died, I mourned your loss, never imagining that your children would carry on your vendetta in your stead. But now, I know. You are the victor. Even from the grave, you give the order and your minions continue to carry out your bidding. Yes, you got me again, didn't you? You horrible, small, pathetic, little being.

Tell me, do the kids just sit there, waiting for me to be nearby, so they can violate my possessions? They must, because they don't seem to do it to anybody else. Or is it just that my vehicles have some unique quality that they find exceptionally endearing? Is there something about my engine in particular that makes it especially convenient? It is an engine. It is there to propel my vehicle from one location to another. And no matter how warm it gets under the hood of my car, it is not meant to be used to freeze-dry your food!! But if you are going to use it for just such a purpose, would you be so kind as to remove the food when it is ready? This would at least be slightly more respectful than your nasty habit of leaving your food under the hood of my car, where it may catch fire or, as was the case last night, knock my heater fan out of commission.

And now, the heater only works on high speed. I am glad, though, that it still works. But I have no idea how much it will cost to repair the damage you vermin have caused this time. And I can't even ask your nasty little children to pay for the damage they did because, just like you, they are unemployed little rodents who live off the land. So once again, I take it on the chin.

I swear that I will get you for this. Somehow, someway, when they least expect it, your children will be made to suffer my wrath.

Stupid squirrels!

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