To J on his 6 month birthday

My darling baby boy,

I can't believe you are 6 months old already. It's been over 13 months since Mommy and Daddy first got the news that they were going to have a baby. Oh, how happy we were! Mommy wept with joy and phoned Grandma and Auntie Jan right away to tell them. She didn't even care that it was so very early in the morning and she would be waking them up. We were just so excited that we couldn't wait to share our wonderful news! Grandma and Auntie Jan didn't mind having their sleep disturbed. They were just so happy to learn that you were going to be born. There was so much joy and anticipation!

We were going to wait until after the first trimester to tell everybody else about you, but Grannie was going on a trip, so Mommy and Daddy decided that she needed to know about you right away. I remember how we took her out for pizza. When we were sitting down, we presented Grannie with a fridge magnet that read "God couldn't be everywhere, so he made grandmas". Grannie thought we were talking about your cousins down east. Even when Daddy said "You are going to be a grandma again", she didn't pick up on it. Oh, how we laughed when the waitress realized what we were saying and offered her congratulations before Grannie! But once she realized that you were coming into the world, Grannie was happy as could be. She just couldn't contain her joy.

Mommy and Daddy realized right then that their precious secret would not be kept for long. We had to let everyone know you were coming, or someone else would. There was so much joy as each new person heard the news. I remember the big smiles we got when Mommy and Daddy grandly produced two little newborn sleeper outfits they had bought for you the day they found out, and inquired of Uncle Chris and Auntie Lisa, "If you were a baby, which would you rather wear?" Auntie Lisa ran behind the concession counter where Mommy was working to give her a big hug. Similarly, many hugs and congratulations were received at work and from friends. Grannie couldn't keep the news a secret; she was just bursting with excitement. She told Great-Aunt Juliet, and before we knew it, all your Great-Aunts and Uncles knew too. We were all so happy!

I remember it all so clearly, it just doesn't seem possible that it was over a year ago!

Mommy signed up on one of those pregnancy calendar thingies, where they email you once a week to tell you all about your baby's development so far. They kept comparing you to fruit ("This week your baby is the size of a raspberry"). Daddy went out and bought raspberry ice cream to celebrate that one. And when they said that you had little paddles for hands and feet, Daddy started calling you a platypus baby. Oh, the fun Daddy had with it when you developed webbed fingers and toes! And even though Mommy was so horribly nauseous, even right away, she couldn't believe her good fortune. Morning sickness felt like winning the lottery, Mommy felt so very lucky.

You gave Mommy and Daddy a lot of scares along the way. Daddy used to joke about it; he said that once you were born he was going to periodically sneak up on you and shout "BOO!", just to get back at you for scaring us so often. (He did scare you playing "peek-a-boo" one morning, but he assures me it was unintentional.) Mommy had a lot of ultrasounds, and long periods of bed rest, and many trips to the hospital to make sure you were still okay. In one of the earlier ultrasounds, Mommy and Daddy could see you already sucking the little stub that would become your thumb!

And then, on December 1, 2004, your placenta started to pull away, and Mommy thought she was going to lose you. I have never been so scared in my life. Two of my coworkers immediately rushed me to Emergency. Daddy met me at Emergency, and we spent the whole day there just praying for all we were worth that God would spare you and bring you into the world safely. Grandma and Grandpa and all the good people from their church prayed for you also. And their friends started praying too. So many people were praying for your safe arrival. And I guess God heard all our prayers, because here you are today. But after that episode, even more ultrasounds were needed. Here you are, being all dramatic on the morning of December 15:


Mommy thought your bone structure resembled Auntie Holly's here, and she called her to tell her so. Auntie Holly was thrilled!

Mommy spent a lot of time on bedrest. Daddy was such a strength and support through it all. He worked all day and handled everything at the house as well. And he cared for you and Mommy so very well, making meals and helping Mommy when she would get sick. Once the morning sickness left, it was replaced with horrible reflux, and Daddy would have to go downstairs many times a night to get Mommy milk to help her feel better. Eventually, Mommy and Daddy learned, and a cooler was placed by the bed so Mommy could help herself during the night.

The family all pitched in and helped as much as they could too. Daddy, Uncle Chris, Grandpa and Grandma all went to town and decorated your bedroom, and Auntie Jan planned your quilt. Mommy spent a lot of time knitting your little orange blankie that you take everywhere. She received a lot of directions from Auntie Jan, because Mommy is not the best knitter. But she is proud of the fact that she completed it all by herself and Auntie Jan did not have to finish it for you. Daddy went out on his own and bought your little bassinet that you slept in for your first four or so months. And Nana brought up your change table all the way from Calgary. We were ready, and still just hoping and praying for your safe arrival.

Then suddenly, you were here. You were early, and you were small and jaundiced, but you were here. Healthy and safe. Mommy and Daddy fell in love with you as soon as they laid eyes on you. We'd spent so much time loving you and praying for you, wanting you here, hoping you'd wait, feeling your sweet little kicks from in Mommy's tummy, reading Dr. Seuss to you. We already knew you, and it was a dream come true to hold you in our arms and know that you were okay.

Mommy loves holding you in her arms now, but a big part of her still misses feeling your little kicks in her tummy. You could knock the wind right out of her. On more than one occasion, you kicked the book she was reading off of her and onto the floor! Daddy used to come and put his hand on Mommy's tummy to feel your kicks, and he was so happy when he would feel you fluttering away in there.

You were only 5 lbs 13 oz and 19 inches long at birth. You were tongue-tied and colicky, and you didn't gain weight very quickly. You cried all the time! We spent a great deal of our budget on gasoline, driving you around to calm you. But we loved you so very much and did all we could for you. We got your tongue-tie fixed, went to the breastfeeding clinic to learn better techniques for feeding you, and started you on a healthier weight gain. We had your hearing checked when we realized that you didn't react to loud noises; we were very relieved to learn that you can hear perfectly and that you were just ignoring us, a skill we are sure will serve you well into your teen years. We took you in regularly for your immunizations and doctor's appointments, read to you, sang to you, and introduced you to the cats. We snuggled you and played with you, washed your laundry and comforted you when you were sad. We have loved every moment of it!

And now today, here you are. 6 months old! You can roll over all by yourself, and you grab and hold things (especially Monkey and your sucky-thing). You have favorite toys: your Monkey, rings, bedtime Pooh, your exersaucer. You have wonderful neck control and are trying to sit up on your own. You are getting teeth, though they haven't emerged yet. You reach for toys that you want, and you enjoy being sung to and playing peek-a-boo. You smile in your sleep when Mommy sings you "Love You Forever", and you enjoy "The Seals on the Bus" at playtime.

You weigh 14 lbs 6-1/2 oz today, and you are over 2 feet tall! You are so big now! We have had to start putting your clothes away as you outgrow them. You make noises - "Hi", "Ga" and of course, your favorite "Thbbbbt!" Today, you had your 6 month immunization. You sat on Mommy's lap and blew big raspberries at the nurse, and when you got your shots, you cried only briefly. Then Mommy cuddled you and you calmed down, like the big boy you are. Mommy was so very proud of you.

I love you so very much. I love you more than I ever thought was possible, and I want all good things for you. I pray for you every day and every night, that God will keep you safe and protect you, and that Mommy and Daddy will be given strength and wisdom in your upbringing. I wish for you to have the very best life, to be good and kind, strong of spirit and sweet-natured. To grow up to be the person you were meant to be.

We thank God every day for the tremendous gift that he gave us in you. It is Thanksgiving this weekend, my sweet little man, and a perfect time to reflect on you, the greatest gift I have ever received. I am so thankful to have you in my life. I am so very proud of you. Every new thing you do brings Mommy and Daddy such tremendous delight. You are the absolute brightest light in our lives. Your beautiful smile brings us such joy, your tears make us weep, and your many noises make us laugh.

I know that this letter is long, and I still don't think it has done you justice. I love you more than mere words can say. I would do anything for you; you are my best little friend, and I delight in you. I am so proud of the boy you are growing up to be.

I love you even when you throw up on me. Like now. And so I must end this letter and go get cleaned up now.

I would like you to always remember how very special you are, how wanted you were, and how very, very loved you are, my sweet precious angel.

Love you forever,

Mommy

xoxoxoxoxoxo

What a Difference!

J awoke this morning with smiles and coos, talking to himself, kicking his chubby little legs, all ready to face the day. He was squirmy and he felt wet, so I went to change him. He smiled and played through his diaper change and getting all dressed for the day, and he ate his breakfast without any issues of spit-up, tears, length of time, or pain for mommy. He's so happy now, I just can't believe this is the same baby. He's so much more fun!

Yesterday, we took him to the Canada Day Parade. He wasn't interested at all, but we had fun. J pretty much just slept.

I have my Weight Watchers meeting this morning. It's odd; it's a really good program, but it's not motivating me to take off the weight. I'm sure I'd lose the weight if I'd follow the program, but I just seem to lack any drive to do it. So this week, I am determined to get motivated and start doing something about it. I'm not happy with how I look at this weight, and I'd like to have a more healthy and active lifestyle just for the sake of my own health. So I'm going to try to take my eyes off the scale, and H and I are going to work together to be more healthy and active. We're going to eat from the Weight Watchers "Core" plan, which means we will get to eat a wide variety of healthy foods that we like. H, who has no weight problems at all, will just eat more of those healthy nutritious foods than will I. Foods like pop, chips and chocolate will become occasional treats for both of us rather than dietary staples.

This is my goal. And now that J isn't so crabby all the time, I may be able to take more time with meal preparation and not have to constantly hunt for some pre-packaged convenience food that I can eat with a sobbing baby in my arms. This should help. Hopefully by changing to this healthy lifestyle, the pounds will come off as well.

We Need a New Pediatrician

The more I think about it, the more ticked off I get. Don't get me wrong; J's pediatrician is a very nice lady, and I like her a lot. But she wasn't concerned about his slow weight gain - he's only been in the 5th percentile for weight gain, and he was small to begin with. Nor was she concerned about his tongue tie, or about the fact that he was causing me pain when he ate. She just kept saying she was satisfied with his weight gain. Now, the nurses at the Community Health Centre were the ones who told me he was in the 5th percentile for weight gain (50th is average; 5th is far below par). And the lactation specialist said his weight gain was inadequate. So his current pediatrician has lost all credibility with me on that front already.

Then, there's the hurting me when he eats issue, which is not normal and which I feel she should have investigated. But most importantly, I really think she should have noticed J's tongue tie at the hospital and, if she noticed it, she should have drawn our attention to it and given us some information. But she didn't do it and, when we contacted her to ask about it, she dismissed our concerns. We had to go to a completely different doctor to get it attended to.

It's like nursing a completely different baby. It is no longer painful to feed him; he no longer tries to feed for 45 minutes + per side at a time. In fact, he's frequently done in 10 minutes (both sides). I thought maybe he wasn't getting anything, but he is; he's just so much more efficient a nurser now that his tongue is freed up that it takes that much less to get him fed and happy.

So I think we'd best find a new doctor for him. I think his current pedi should have just gotten his tongue tie released and saved us all of the aggravation. I wonder who we will go to.

Snip snip

J's tongue-tie is released. We got in to the hospital at 9:00 and were home by 10:00. He just ate. Happy little boy in bassinet now.

He cried very briefly, because he was lying on the table instead of being held. He stopped crying as soon as we picked him up after the procedure. He had a couple of little drops of blood he spat out right away, but not much. It really didn't seem to hurt him at all. There was no anesthetic required, and it was all very simple. J can now move his tongue properly, without any issues, and he can open his mouth wider which is already making his latch a bit better. There is no post-op treatment required - his little tongue is just fine now. He is enjoying his new freedom and experimenting with how far out he can push his tongue. So cute!

He still has the little heart-shaped notch at the tip of his tongue. The pedi says he's been pulling against the tie for long enough that it will probably take about a month for the notch to correct itself. But it should correct itself. YAY!! I'm so glad it is done!

I'm feeling a bit better today. Have a headache, and am still in a bit of hermit mode, but it's improving. Thanks to all my friends for the support yesterday. This too shall pass.

On J's Weight & Thrush

J weighed in at 8 lbs 13-1/2 oz today!! (He gained 8-1/2 oz in 6 days, my little piggy.)

He has an appointment tomorrow morning at 9:00 to get his tongue-tie released. He'll be over at the hospital for that procedure, but it should be quick and we'll be taking him right home after. I hope this will improve his eating issues and he'll soon stop hurting me when he feeds.

My thrush infection has not cleared up, and it looks just as pronounced as it did last week. Thankfully, J seems unaffected. The lactation specialist, Dr. G, thinks I may have some eczema there as well. She's prescribed two steroid creams to deal with the eczema issue, and I have to continue taking the thrush medication as well. I see her again on July 8 to assess the situation. Hopefully things will soon clear up and I'll be able to feed J without experiencing this pain.

Dr. G has instructed me to limit J's time at the breast. He likes to suck on things, and he has a really strong sucking reflex; he'll stay on one side for 45 minutes at a time, even though he can't possibly still be getting milk. It takes around 2 hours to feed the little guy this way! So Dr. G has instructed me to pop him off after 20 minutes and make him switch sides. That should help me out some.

On another note, I am feeling despondent today. I have been for a few days now. I think I'm probably over-tired, and possibly coming down with a cold. But for whatever reason, I have the blues just now. I think I may hermit here for a bit; I'm not much fun when I feel like this. I will definitely try to get a nap in today, as I think it may help my mood.

Dinner

Roasted garlic chicken with carrots and rosemary potatoes. Easy. Healthy. Yummy. Whole house still smells like garlic, though. But it's worth it.

Grumpy, cluster-feeding baby refused to nap today. That's it, J; keep screaming. That'll make it all better. He's still hurting me, so cluster-feeding is terrible. And he just yanked on my hair too. OW!!!!! Wonderful.

Doctors Annoy Me

We had our lactation appointment today. They were quite smart. But doctors up until now have really bugged me. Especially now that I have gotten some good advice.

It seems the reason breastfeeding has been so painful is that I have somehow gotten thrush. It's a bad case, and has resulted in some fairly extensive nipple damage. Of course, if I would have been referred to the lactation consultants earlier, or if any doctor I complained of pain to had bothered to look at me, it would have been caught earlier and I'd have been treated earlier on and be doing better now. As it is, I have to start a 2 week course of medication. Thank God for benefits, as the meds were just over $100 without the benefits (works out to around $6.75 per pill). I also have been prescribed Codeine for the pain in the interim. And I've received some good tips for how to feed J more effectively. His weight gain is less than optimal, so they recommend I change how I'm feeding him to try and get him more milk. I have a follow up appointment with them on Monday. Hopefully we can turn things around and bring J's weight gain more in line. I hate the idea of having to give up breastfeeding or having to supplement with formula, but if I can't get him to gain weight with just my milk, I may have to do that. I sure hope not, though.

The lactation doctor has referred J to a pediatric surgeon to snip his tongue tie. Since J isn't gaining enough weight and I've been damaged from feeding him, they have decided that we can go ahead with that procedure if we like. And since it's a simple procedure without any risks, we've decided to go ahead with it. The surgeon is on vacation until Monday, so we'll get our appointment at that time.

Hopefully once these things are dealt with, J will eat better.

The Evil Medicentre

I just got back from the Medicentre. Despite my 9:00 arrival, right when they opened, there were already 7 people waiting to get in ahead of us. So roughly 2 hours later, we were seen.

The good news is that I managed to get the lactation referral. The bad news is that I had to argue to even get that much, and I couldn't get the referral to the oral surgeon. Perhaps the lactation specialists will refer us.

I am once more unimpressed with the Medicentre. I told the doctor about J having problems latching on and getting enough milk, and I told him that we had begun supplementing with bottles of pumped milk so that he could get more into him, and I told him that it was painful to breastfeed, and I told him that J becomes frustrated and then bites and badly bruises me. His answer? He said that as long as I was pumping and feeding J the expressed milk, that was sufficient! My answer? "Not to me, it isn't."

He also confirmed that J is tongue-tied (I don't think I would have believed a Medicentre doctor if I hadn't heard it from the community health nurse already), but he said that he didn't think it was "that bad" a case, and J may be able to "overcome it". I don't want him to have to overcome it! Especially not when the procedure that corrects it is so incredibly simple (and he even confirmed that is the case). I mean, if it were a complex and dangerous procedure, that would be another story entirely. But this is just a little tiny snip with the scissors. They don't even anesthetize first. It's very basic.

Anyway, I will make my peace with getting one referral at a time. I will get to go to the lactation consultants. They can always refer us to a doctor to correct the tongue-tie at that time.

I have been baptized

J rocket-pooed me this morning.

We are actually not having the best morning so far. At both his 4:00 a.m. feedings and this most recent feed, he got frustrated and bit me. Man does that hurt! And I don't think he even got enough milk from either feed. After this most recent feeding, I went to change his diaper. He peed on himself and all over his sleeper, so I decided to get him dressed for the day. He then started spitting up (fortunately, I now just keep a burp cloth under his head during diaper changes, so it didn't get in his hair this time around). I dealt with some of the spit up, then returned to the diaper change. Had his diaper off, new diaper under him, and was just starting to put on his diaper cream, and that was when it happened. Rocket-poo!

We're all cleaned up now, and J is in his bassinet where he is happy. I'm about to grab him so we can get to the Medicentre when they open at 9:00 and avoid a long wait. Neither J's pediatrician nor my GP can see him before July 8, and that's just too far away when he's having feeding difficulties like this. So off I go, to the Medicentre's (somewhat questionable, in my opinion) doctors, to ask for a lactation referral. This time, I'm also going to try for a referral to an oral surgeon who may be able to treat J's tongue tie.

I have concluded that all the best doctors are not taking new patients and are overbooked, so you cannot see them when you need to. It's a shame that when we really need a doctor right away, we have to go to someone who's (maybe) not as good. When I really need a doctor right away, that's when the really good doctor would actually be handy.

Tongue-Tied

Little J had his shots today. Unpleasant, but not as bad as I thought it would be. He screamed for a bit (who could blame the poor little guy?) and needed some baby Tylenol a couple of hours after it was over, but that was about all. He now weighs 7 lbs 11 oz and measures 20-1/4" long. While he has gained at an acceptable rate (roughly 1 pound per month), he is still small for his gestational age, measuring only in the fifth percentile. He's 2 months old today.

The nurse at the health centre had no real concerns, however, except that our baby appears to be quite literally "tongue-tied". It's those little flaps of skin we all have under our tongues that anchor them to the bottoms of our mouths. Well J's (which is visible only when he's screaming, by the way) is too short (the tip of his tongue is attached to the floor of his mouth) and, as a result, he can't open his mouth very wide or stick out his tongue. It interferes with his feeding (which is why he gets hungry so frequently, slips off the breast, gets gassy, etc.) and it can also affect his speech as he gets older. So it will likely need to be snipped, and I will have to phone his pediatrician tomorrow and ask about that. It sounds like a simple procedure. Thank heaven for that.

Anyway, J just finished eating and had a nice burp and spit-up. He got it right down the front of his over-sized nightshirt. (On the inside of the shirt - which now must be pulled over his head with baby puke on it. Yuck!) Bath time for baby.