I'd like to teach the world to sing in perfect harmony

'Cause as much as this makes me laugh, it also makes my ears bleed a tiny bit. (Listen to the entire recording, if you can take it ... it's well worth it, I assure you.)

Driving in a winter wonderland

I hope you enjoy this somewhat realistic depiction of a Canadian police chase. It's not totally realistic, though; no polar bears or igloos are featured.

(Looks like it's only viewable with Firefox.)

More than words

I write to warn you.

My warning is not a prophecy of things to come. It is much too late for that. For the evil already enshrouds us, inherent in our very being. An evil so base, so fierce, it takes no prisoners preferring instead to slay all who cross its path. There are those who would experiment. Taunting it. Daring it to touch them. They think it might be fun; the highs, the lows. They are the invincible, holding steadfastly to their belief that nothing can touch them. "It won't happen to me", they think, and they laugh at the voice of experience. But we know better. We have been there. We have experienced the pain of addiction and recovery firsthand, and we see what you will become should you let the demon overtake you.

Don't do it. Addiction is devastating. Relationships have been forever damaged and lives taken. Don't even try it. I beg of you.

Demon, thy name is Scrabble.

**********
It began innocently enough. Three friends, one piece of cardboard, a bag of tiles, and a dream. One would best the others. One would emerge victorious. Yes, one and only one would be crowned the victor. And to the victor go the spoils. (The spoils being completely imaginary, you understand.) A battle of wits. To the death. (Okay, maybe not to the death, but two people would feel sort of linguistically challenged when it was all over. And that kind of mild ego bruise is really painful to nerds like us, I assure you.)

**********
Jessica began the game. The first word. The coveted default double word score. Leaning forward with an evil sneer, she began placing tiles on the board. Both of us dying a little inside as each new tile was positioned. A. N. I. E. S. T.

And then, with a hideous evil laugh and a flourish, she laid the first tile. The coveted "Z". "Zaniest". For 102 points. The deep intake of breath could be heard for miles. Well played indeed, Jezebel.

**********
A few more turns. Staring. Glaring. Each working to undermine the confidence of the others. Each trying to top the previous score. The malicious name calling. Yes, Delia, I am speaking to you. Coy as you tried to be, we all knew exactly to whom you referred when you played "Fathead". Staring right at me, with open hostility. And then you batted your eyes at me demurely, and ... well, you certainly earned that black eye, didn't you? For not only did you openly insult me, but you took my spot! I stand behind my actions. No judge would convict me.

**********
Nearing the end of the game. No more tiles in the little bag. Everyone needing to use up the tiles that remained on their wooden shelves, lest a penalty be incurred. Double letter value deductions was our rule. Double! And me with seven letters, while Delia, sitting there icing her eye like some kind of "victim", had only five.

She did not deserve the title. I had to beat her. I must win.

My turn. I took a deep breath, and ...

Building on "ZOO". I knew I could do it. I laid down my tiles, slowly, casting sideways glances at my opponents. K. E. E. P. E. R. S. Triple word score. Double letter beneath the "K". And as an added bonus, the "S" that had landed on the triple word score completed an adjacent word and made "Hybrids". 48 points for "Hybrids". 90 for "Zookeepers". And a 50 point bonus for the Bingo. A total of 188. The game was done. I had won.

I laughed. A malicious, evil laugh. But my glee was short-lived, as one grabbed me by the throat and the other forced me to eat the "K".

**********
I've lost more friends this way. Really, it was just a typical Friday night.

**********
And in case you need more evidence of the evils of Scrabble, I present you with this Canadian Vignette. (Well worth watching, I assure you.)

**********
Mama Kat writes one of my favourite blogs, Mama's Losin' It. Head on over and check out this week's writing assignment. Lots of fun to be had!

Confused? Just call 867-5309

Directly stolen from Bonemot, but I don't care!

See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.

911 Emergency

My friend, Morgan, posted this on her blog. It was so funny, I just had to share it here.

Enjoy!

911 Emergency

The best time to shop

T: ... and then I'm going to go study.
H: I thought you needed to go shopping.
T: Yes, but it's Sunday and the stores don't open until 11:00 or 12:00.
H: But that's the best time to shop - before the stores are open. There are fewer crowds. And you don't have to pay for anything.

Cut to ...

The movie is ending. The music is swelling. And as we cut to the close-up of our heroine ...

Tommy Lee Jones: You're just as beautiful as your mother.
H: Her nostrils are uneven.

The following conversation took place ...

Howard? This is Howard. Listen. When you get this, could you please call me back and tell me how to use my bleedin' voice mail?

Don't leave a message. I won't get it.

I had no idea protective gear would be required

Okay. There is a disclaimer on my Elton John tickets, which reads as follows:

WARNING: PUCKS, HOCKEY STICKS, BALLS, BATS, RACQUETS, AND OTHER OBJECTS FLYING INTO SPECTATOR AREAS CAN CAUSE SERIOUS INJURY. BE ALERT AT ALL TIMES WHEN IN SPECTATOR AREAS. IF INJURED, NOTIFY USHER FOR DIRECTIONS TO MEDICAL STATION.

Last I heard, Elton John just leaves concerts when he's irritated. He doesn't ordinarily throw badminton racquets, does he?

Failed Ad Campaigns - #6

Crayola's Flavored Crayons!

Slogan reads:

"Well, if they're going to eat them anyway ..."

Thoughts about winter

I got this from Dwight Schrute's blog.

Thoughts about winter.

Winter is the coldest season. For a reason. The sun
moves south, to warm up the Africans and the
Australians and leaves us in the northern climes to
fend for ourselves in the sleet and the frost.

Animals bundle up in their fur and in their caves.
They hybernate and/or store up nuts to feed to their
chicks and young.

When there is a chill in the air, there are colder
weather patterns coming down from Canada.

In Canada it is always winter. Sometimes the sun
never rises in Canada. Harp seals abound until they
are brutally slaughtered by Canadians. They worship
maple syrup, hockey and Alanis Morisette. I hate
Canadians.

Winter.

Office athlete of the century

Alright, so now I can upload video. I just can't put it directly in the blog, and I must link to it. That's okay; it's only mildly inconvenient.

Office Athlete of the Century is my first uploaded video file. H and I love this one! I hope you enjoy it too.

Things to do when you get retarded

I love this! I just got it by email this morning, and it made me laugh.

*******

(this was actually reported by a child's teacher)

After Christmas, a teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their holiday away from school.

One child wrote the following:

We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa.

They used to live in a big brick house but Grandpa got retarded and they
moved to Arizona. Now they live in a tin box and have lots of rocks in
the front yard painted green to look like grass.

They ride around on their bicycles and wear nametags because they don't know who they are anymore. They go to a building called a wrecked center, but they must have got it fixed because it is all okay now, and do exercises there, but they don't do them very well.

There is a swimming pool too, but in it, they all jump up and down with hats on.

At their gate, there is a dollhouse with a little old man sitting in it.

He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out. They go cruising in their golf carts.

Nobody there cooks, they just eat out. And they eat the same thing
every night----early birds. Some of the people can't get out past the
man in the dollhouse.

The ones who do get out bring food back to the wrecked center and call it potluck.

My Grandma says that Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and says I should work hard so I can be retarded someday too. When I earn my retardment, I want to be the man in the dollhouse. Then I will let people out so they can visit their grandchildren.

Woke up this mornin'

J was ticked and will not be consolled as of yet. I'd had bad dreams through my restless, fitfull sleep. And I feel unreasonably grumpy today. I would like to go back to bed and see if my mood improves with a bit more sleep, but unfortunately, J says "No".

J and I need to go into the office today, as it is a work friend's baby shower. So J will need to be well-fed, bathed, and put in his Christmas sleeper. (He looks so sweet in it.) I must also do laundry and some housework today. And some studying too, since I didn't fit any in yesterday.

Yesterday was a really good day. J's Memaw came for a visit; I love seeing her. J was awake when she arrived, and he was being quite argumentative about breakfast. But he played with her for a bit before becoming sleepy and grumpy (and probably a few other dwarfs too) and going down for a sleep through most of the remainder of our visit. She gave J some very generous Christmas presents (us too, btw). She is such a sweet and kind person, and I feel so grateful that we have her in our lives. Her daughter will be having a baby (in May, I believe), so she will have 2 little grandchildren then; J and new baby! I am very excited about this, and am thinking that we will have to find a way to get down to the States to meet the new arrival.

Yesterday evening, I went to the Association's mentorship networking reception. I met some great people, and came home with a few business cards. It was good to have this opportunity to make some good connections; I am glad I got to go.

Today is shaping up to be a great day too. I must find some way to lose my grumpy old attitude problem. I have much to be thankful for today, and it should be a beautiful and wonderful day, if I can just quit snarling about nothing. Everyone is entitled to a mood, I suppose, but I do not enjoy my bad mood and I wish to lose it.

Must dash. J says so. But first, I leave you with this. Makes you feel all warm and fuzzy inside, doesn't it?

Gov'nor General's Finalist

My friend, Wandafish, found this in Quill & Quire Nov '05. It pokes fun at the Young Adult "problem novel". I thought it was hilarious, so I would like to keep a record of it.

The Governor General's Finalist
by Tim Wynne-Jones

I am the very model of a Gov'nor General's finalist,
My novel's got a plucky, sassy maybe gay protagonist,
She's got a friend who's Goth, who is a nonconformist anarchist,
Who lurks a lot and scowls and wears satanic tattoos on his fist.
She helps him to discover that there is a reason to exist,
Persuades him in the gritty, thrilling climax not to slit his wrists,
And in so doing learns to love the stepmother with whom she's pissed.
And though she's anorexic ends up on the high school honour list.

And though she's anorexic ends up on the high school honour list.
And though she's anorexic ends up on the high school honour list.
And though she's anorexic ends up on the high school honour list.

The critics say it's edgy and my agent says it cannot miss,
And if I win I'll climb up from the HarperCollins middle list;
In short, I'll be transformed just like the lowly frog the princess kissed.
I am the very model of a Gov'nor General's finalist.

Memorable

*Warning: There is some foul language in the linked page*

I found this entry from "Overheard in NYC" to be quite memorable. I wanted to keep a record of it, to remind me that some people are truly that dumb.

Patience is a virtue.

Surreal

*Warning: There is some foul language in the linked page*

I haven't laughed this hard in a really long time!

Click me.

Gots ta love them homeless folk

*Warning: There is some foul language in the linked page*

"Please give me some change, I am homeless and deranged."

That has got to be my favorite in the list!

It's in such poor taste, I can't stand it!

But this "Overheard in NYC" entry still made me laugh.

Really Funny in a Really Bad Way

Catfood.

Ewwww, yuck!