Heart full of love

J awoke at 5:30 this morning. H changed him, and I fed him. I tried to put him back in his crib for more sleep, but he just wanted to be cuddled. I held him close and rocked him, and he slowly began to drift off. I put him back in his crib, and he allowed me to sleep for a little bit longer. (In several chunks, with cuddles in between.) Not too long, mind you; he is a baby after all, and his day starts early.

Yesterday was so stressful, what with J's continual screaming fits and hair-pulling and all, that my neck is skewed to the side from tension. Not wry neck this time around; just really tense muscles that I can't seem to shake. (A direct quote from me from yesterday: "J won't stop screaming, and he keeps pulling my hair, and he's hurting me. And this is my life now.") He was so into throwing his soother on the floor that I put one of those pacifier clip thingies on him. Took him all of 20 seconds to figure out how to rip it right off. And now, he can use the string to really wind up and throw the soother across the whole room. What fun!

Today, a calm and peaceful day would be nice, but it isn't going to happen. J is teething, I have at least 3 chapters to read, and my house is a horrible mess. The house will have to wait, though; I am too gimped up to tackle that today. And I will be missing my New Moms Network offshoot group. For the second week in a row. I'm just too busy and gimped up to get there today. C'est la vie.

When J last awoke, he got fussy really fast. By the time I got him out of his crib, he was screaming and little tears were streaming down his sweet little face. I thought I was in for it for sure; we're going to have another day like yesterday, I thought. Was he hungry? Was he wet? Was he in pain? No, no, and no. What was troubling him? Well, he just wanted his mommy. I picked him up and held him close; he immediately stopped crying, cuddled up, and gave me the biggest sweetest smile ever!

He is a lot of work. And his screams could shatter glass. And some days, I feel like I've reached the end of my tether. And many times, I feel like the poorest excuse for a mother ever. I'm sleep-deprived and I can't keep on top of daily chores. My house is always a mess, and there are days when a shower and clean clothes are expendable luxuries.

And I wouldn't have it any other way.

You are my child, J. I love you so much.