I am a good person. I am a nice person. A kind person. A loyal person. A generous and giving person.
I try to do the right thing. I usually succeed. I try to support my friends. I try to pay back my debts. I will come to the aid of those in need.
This is me. It is just who I am.
Why was I harmed? Why was I victimized? Why did you do this to me?
You can say you're sorry, but I don't believe you. Your actions speak louder than your words. You're not sorry; don't insult me by pretending to be.
My relationships are damaged. My trust lies in ruins. My faith in humanity has been destroyed.
My life is forever changed.
You did this. You cannot undo it.
I forgive you. Even though you are not sorry. Even though you repeat the same actions over and over again and harm other people, I forgive you.
But you are not welcome in my life. Stay away from me and mine. You will not be near me.
As for you, who would presume to judge me, I ask: how can you? Who do you believe yourself to be? You were not harmed. You were not victimized. They did not do this to you.
It is about me. My relationships. My trust. My faith.
My life.
I am glad that you were able to forgive and move on so quickly. But I am not surprised by this. You were not affected. I was.
This is my burden to bear. This is my heart and my pain.
I will let you know when I have rubbed it in enough. I will let you know when an appropriate length of time has passed.
I will let you know when I should be over it.
4 comments:
It occurs to me that telling a person that the one who hurt them is over it, is kind of like telling a black person that the klansman who burned a cross on his lawn is over it.
I'm sad that you have had to carry this pain for so long. I hope the time will come soon when you are able to put it down.
It's not something that I will ever be fully over. That kind of betrayal is just too great. I have become accustomed to the fact that it will forever be a lightly sealed and easily re-opened wound.
But I am not usually angry about it these days, and I'm fairly uncomfortable with the anger aspect. I know it will always affect me, and it will always be painful. It just shouldn't make me mad any longer.
I got out my anger at the guys who committed the crime. I expressed it. The problem I have still is with the friend who stood by them, defending them to me and trying to tell me how I should be dealing with it. (As if she knew.) I never openly got mad at her for her actions, and I should have. She behaved badly, and she failed to honor and respect our longstanding friendship.
And she passed away 12 years ago, so she's not here any longer for me to talk to. That makes it harder.
I am sure that she was right. I am sure that the guys who burglarized my home were well over it soon after it happened. I am sure that, in their minds, I was being really unreasonable. They probably don't even think about it at all these days. So, following through on their thought patterns that she was listening to, I am sure that she felt justified in defending them to me and asking me to stop persecuting them.
So fine. She forgave them, and she moved on, and she let them live with her, and she married one of them, etc., etc., etc. She stood by the criminals rather than standing behind one of her best friends, who was the victim in all of this!
But I feel badly for feeling anger towards her, when at the same time I miss her so very much. It's a complex emotion. I don't like it.
It's really hard when a person you care about dies, and even harder when you have unresolved issues with them.
Carrying this pain has made you a more caring and empathic person to others. I wish you had never had to go through that, but I am glad that you are the person you are today.
Awwww, thanks!
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