Dear Sirs

Dear J:

I love you, and I understand that you are sick. I am sorry about that. However, I must protest your latest antics.

Warning: May be TMI for some.

I am sorry that you have diarrhea. I wish you did not. But when you have pooped and overflowed your diaper, would you please not try to put your feet in it? And also, while Mommy is trying to change you and keep your feet poop-free, perhaps you could refrain from reaching down and sticking your hand in it. And then grabbing my arm, thereby getting poop on my shirt. And then trying to stick your poop-laden hand in your mouth, forcing Mommy to let go of your feet to save you from ingesting it. And then kicking your feet frantically, spraying the poop all about in the process.

I will try to get your white sleeper clean, because it is cute and Daddy loves how the collar makes you look like Elvis. But I would appreciate it if you wouldn't do your very best to ruin and stain it first.

Love,

Mommy

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Dear H:

One more time, for posterity. The empty toilet paper roll does not stay on the dispenser. It gets removed and thrown in the garbage. The new roll does not go on the counter. It goes on the now-empty dispenser. I can leave an instruction sheet in all of the bathrooms, if you wish.

Love,

T

(Note: To be fair, H is actually far better at housework than am I. This is just my own little pet peeve.)

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Dear Cat:

When J is snuggling in my arms and you leap into my lap, you should not be surprised when J grabs your fur and pulls, or tries to pet it in the wrong direction, or anything else. He is a baby, and he does not know any better. I will try to protect you as best I can, but you are best to just avoid putting yourself in the situation. I can accept your being grumpy, and I love you very much, but if you ever react harshly to the baby, I will give you away. And if you spark my computer one more time, as appears to be your preferred means of retaliation, I will no longer permit you to sit in the office.

Love,

Your Human

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Dear Tutors:

Please refrain from answering questions from students' quizzes prior to the quiz due dates. It is most inappropriate to essentially do a student's homework for him or her. Besides, it is not the job of the course tutor to spoon-feed the students.

Yours truly,

Student

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Dear Blogger:

Please respond to my email. It's been days, and I feel this situation should have been remedied by now.

Sincerely,

Cryptic