Tuesday, September 16, 2008

Where the hell are you when I need you?

It's okay that the floors are a bit dusty. That is why we have a vacuum. It's a central vac system, actually. No big bulky cannister to drag around. Just plug the hose into the wall and away you go. My parents have one of these. Took me years before I realized the cannister was in the basement next to the furnace and the dirt traveled through pipes in the wall. When they first got the central vac system, I thought there was no cannister. I thought the dirt was just magically blown out of the house. But now, with mom's-hindsight, I see that was completely illogical. Those marbles and dried up balls of play-doh I routinely vacuum up would have become projectile missiles, launching from the side of our house, and passersby would have been severely injured. There would then have been a bunch of lawsuits against reckless homeowners who were so stupid as to install central vac systems. That wouldn't make a lot of sense. The basement cannister is a much better idea. That's why I am not an inventor. My ideas are too rough and don't work on a practical level.

So our floors are dusty. So what? H will haul out the vacuum later, and the floors will soon be clean. We have wood and lino flooring, and vacuuming only takes a few minutes. As long as you keep up on it. When you don't, then it takes much longer. Fur, kitty litter, and crumbled Cheerios cover all available surfaces and get in all of the grooves. And then, of course, there are the marbles and dried up balls of play-doh. J loves play-doh and is at his happiest when an adult will shape tiny pieces of the stuff into little balls. They have to be pea sized, perfectly round, and have no cracks. If they are not perfect, he will give them back and demand that we do it better. He lets these little balls of goo dry out, and then he carries them around with him as if they were the crown jewels. Until he eventually loses interest, abandons them, and then insists we make him a new batch. Decrepit abandoned play-doh balls are all over this house. He keeps them in cupboards and drawers, in his tiger backpack, and in his pockets. We have to make sure to empty J's pockets before we do a load of laundry. Otherwise, we end up washing a bunch of multi-coloured little balls of play-doh. And that's just not pretty at all once the load's gone through the dryer and everything.

So yeah. The floors. They can get bad. But they're not bad right now. Just kind of dusty. A quick 5-minute job oughta take care of it. You see, that is why we have a vacuum. It took way longer to clean with a broom and dustpan. And then, we ended up just sort of shifting the cat fur around. See, you can't really sweep up cat fur. It's too light. The tufts just fly up in the air, and then they land elsewhere, and no matter how much you sweep, you just kind of move the fur from one spot to another and you never actually get rid of any of it. I don't know why we even own a broom, really. The vacuum works so much better, and it's way easier. And if there's anything on the floor that's too large for the vacuum, then it can just be picked up by hand and put in the trash. Really, the broom is pretty useless, when you think about it. Though it would have been handy before the vacuum was invented, I suppose. I mean, it's probably better to use the broom than to do nothing at all. Right?

Anyway, we have a good vacuum. And I love the vacuum. And H loves the vacuum. In fact, this morning, H told me not to worry about the floors at all. H told me that he would vacuum. H told me that the vacuum is a wonderful tool, good for many things.

Well ... it's good for vacuuming obviously. But I haven't found it to be quite as good for dishes. I can't honestly remember the vacuum ever doing a half decent job washing the dishes. It also doesn't clear the expired food out of the refrigerator. And it can't follow a grocery list at all, so you just can't send it shopping and expect to get back anything like what you asked for. It's memory frankly sucks (haha). It refuses to do bathroom fixtures. It can't get that streak-free shine on the windows. And it's completely useless for laundry. It just forgets. It forgets everything! In fact, if the vacuum were better at laundry, I would not have had to try and do it myself, and I would not currently be laid up with a broken knee from my bizarre laundry accident.

So really, it's all the vacuum's fault, if you think about it.

Stupid vacuum.

Where the hell are you when I need you? Off getting yourself a snack? Watching soap operas? Having a nap? What am I paying you for anyway? Oh ... right ... well, I bought you, didn't I? That makes you my indentured servant! And you should do what I need you to do when I need you to do it! And if you'd only gotten off your lazy butt and done the laundry that one fateful day ... fine, lazy hose then ... I don't believe for a minute that you "forgot"! It was laziness, pure and simple!

You're fired!!

Of course, when I expressed these thoughts to H, he just kind of rolled his eyes at me and told me that when he said the vacuum was good for "many things", he meant it was good for cleaning all kinds of flooring surfaces, upholstery, and blinds, and even for light dusting if you use the special duster attachment. So ... yeah.



The above insane ramblings are my own fault. I haven't taken any Percocet today, so I can't even blame my crazy on the narcotics.

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