Monday, December 15, 2008

She was a wonky, one-armed evil Walmart mitten eater

I'm addicted to Jen's blog over at Steenky Bee. She's taking a bloggy break, and I just don't know how to stay amused without her cool brand of funny! But fortunately, she is guest posting today over at Kaply, Inc., so I was able to get a bit of a fix. She shared a somewhat unique version of the old tale, Gift of the Magi. I don't remember it quite the way she related it, though there are certainly similarities.

You remember the story, don't you? There was this couple who had no cash for Christmas presents, so the guy sold his hand to buy his wife combs for her hair, while she sold her head to buy him a watch that would no longer stay on his bloody stump. And that was of course the end of the story, 'cause you can't live without a head. Or so I've been told. Though many of the people I encountered at Walmart last night have made me question that particular theory. Especially that one fool who actually stole one of my mittens out of the bathroom, and I have no idea what she plans to do with her ill-gotten booty that I would consider to be quite frankly useless unless she happens to have a spare right-handed black mitten at home that matches my left one perfectly. Or maybe she lost her right arm in some tragic shopping accident and just can't bring herself to purchase two mittens 'cause of the exorbitant financial waste and stuff, so she lurks in the Walmart bathroom hunting for lefty mittens. Seriously, WTF, Crazy-Walmart-Chick?!?!

(Yes, of course I checked at the lost-and-found. What do you take me for?)

Anyway, it's true. I was at "Walmart" last night. Judge me all you like. I don't care. They had the perfect gift for my son, at the perfect price, in the perfect badly damaged box that made the price even lower when I couldn't really care less about the condition of the box anyway, since it just goes to recycling and the box's contents are in perfect shape. So, lost mitten or not, I'm good with my find. Also, oddly enough, Walmart actually sells mittens too, so I left with three whereas I'd arrived with only two. What a bargain!

(In hindsight, I bet the Walmart store manager stole my mitten so I'd have to buy more stuff while I was there. Evil Bitch.)


Michelle said...

Now here's the big question... what will you do with the 3rd mitten?

Cameron said...

I was at Walmart yesterday too, I thought I saw you but I wasn't sure.

You've struck upon a whole new dilemna in purchasing. Why should amputees be forced to buy to gloves, or two shoes or socks? Of course deaf people are spared all the Christmas music starting prior to Thanksgiving.

Captain Dumbass said...

At least you have a Walmart nearby. We have one in Richmond, but it's so far away it may as well be in Alberta. Vancouver was going to get one but apparently city council decided they would start selling sari's and devastate little India.

Liz said...

Shame, SHAME!

You make the baby Jesus cry, and you have been justly punished for stepping into the store of Satan.

You knew what I would say about it before you even posted :-)

Momma Trish said...

Michelle - I'm going to use it as a sock, obviously.

Cameron - Oh, that was you!

Cap'n - LOL! They totally would do it, too, you know. They'd feel no remorse.

Liz - Yeah, but I don't care. 'Cause my kid's getting a power wheel jeep for Christmas at a price I could afford. If karma chooses to take my mitten away over it, that's fine by me. Besides, worse things have happened to me repeatedly this past year, before I set foot anywhere near a Walmart store!

goodfather said...

LOL! Walmart seems to be the place for misappropriation. Someone put their stuff in my cart yesterday, even though I had a number of things in it already. Did they want me to buy their stuff? We're they going to buy mine?

I was only there to buy my nativity scene, by the way. For baby Jesus. :D

Momma Trish said...

goodfather - See? People are just weird! And I'm sure the baby Jesus will forgive us both for making him cry. He's good like that, I hear. ;)

Anonymous said...

But did J like his Ferrari?

Momma Trish said...

J LOVED his Ferrari. That and the big ride-in Jeep we got for him were his two favourite presents under the tree. Thanks so much for that Ferrari; he will have loads of fun playing with it! (If he can pry it away from H, that is. It's gorgeous!) :)