On Love

Driving in the car, on our way home from getting J's haircut:

H: I love you, J.
J: Love you, Daddy.
T: I love you, J.
J: Panda!

I am trying not to feel snubbed ...

Non sequitur

H and I were driving home tonight, with J asleep in the back. We arrived at the house. H got out of the car and opened the back door to get J.

H: Hello sweetie. Are you awake?
J: (Opening his eyes) Pink piggie. Oink, oink.

My J is sick

Terribly stomach-flu type sick. Vomiting on the couch and in the car kind of sick.

Today, he threw up after trying a small taste of grape jelly. Refused Digestive biscuits and toast. Held down nothing but milk. Ate one single Cheerio for dinner. Had a 3-hour long nap, some nasty messy diaper issues, and is now in bed for the night.

Obviously, today was not good for daycare. So I was home with J. I am glad I have a job where they are so understanding about this stuff, but I really wish J weren't sick so often. I feel like I've missed an awful lot of time from the office ever since J started daycare. I've missed time because J's been sick. I've missed time because of my kidneys - stone still hasn't passed, in case you were wondering. I've missed time because of exams. I've missed time because of the furnace. Just generally, I've missed time. And I'm tired of missing time.

I'm off two days a week for the rest of January and the first couple days of February, because J's schedule requires it. I knew about it well in advance and am taking vacation days. That much is fine. But I wish I didn't have to miss all the other time leading up to it.

I'm a mom, a student, and I work full-time. It's a lot of stuff to juggle. I knew that. I know that. I think I can handle it. I just need for outside forces to stop interfering. And I don't know how to make that happen.

Work is busy. I have files to do. I need to be there to do the job. I want to do the job to the best of my abilities, to learn, and to advance. I'm good at the job, and I have a lot of potential there. I think they see that in me. I just need my life to come more in control so that I can exercise that potential and actually work my usual hours on a regular basis. It's important. But how do I make that happen?

I feel frustrated.

Feel the heat

Oh fudge!

I'll never get through everything I need to get through this weekend. We have appointments tomorrow. One that I forgot about until this very minute, and one which is repayment of a large favor that was given us. I am looking forward to both appointments (the afternoon one moreso than the morning, but whatever), and I have absolutely no desire to give up either of them. And I won't. But somehow, I need to get through a module and a half of really dry Economics readings by Tuesday evening so I can complete my quiz. And I'm just not sure I can do it with the time that is left.

H has been functioning alone at work all week, and will be by himself for much of next week again. He is very stressed out, and could really use a bit of a break. But he's going to need to be J's primary caregiver for most of the weekend while I try to do some homework, and he's not terribly pleased.

And to add to our current attitude problems, we're having some sort of furnace-motor problem. At least it's stll working. Trying to stay positive. Some days, it ain't easy.

Updates 'n' stuff

J can say "Love you" now, among many other things. Sometimes, we can tell what he's saying, and sometimes it's so mangled we have no idea. But in time, we'll be able to understand it all. I can't wait! His chatting is really sweet, and we really enjoy all the talking. But while his speech is improving, he still doesn't eat well. At least, not for us; however, daycare says eating is his favorite passtime. I'm just glad he's getting nourishment somewhere! At least we know he'll always eat grapes.

J is rather accident-prone these days. He currently has two fat lips, from falling at daycare while reaching for various toys. At home, he'll run headlong 'til he falls down. He's a tough kid, though, and is never down for too long.

In other news, my car is still not working. But I am hopeful that it will be returned to working order shortly and I'll be able to get around a bit better.

H's foosball table (which ended up costing us only $15; score!) is assembled in the basement now. It's red with black legs and black and white graphics, and it has a beautiful high-gloss playing surface and the cool old-fashioned red and white foosball table rods, featuring players with faces and uniforms. What an amazing find!

I have had a headache for 3 days now. Tonight, I also have a sore shoulder and stomach/back pains. The back pain thing is starting to feel more normal now, and I suspect it will continue periodically until the whole kidney-stone extravaganza is done. But as to the rest, I blame the blizzard. We have a whole lot of snow, and really cold temperatures/wind-chills expected. And my body always responds negatively to weather fluctuations, so it's no wonder I feel a bit miserable just now.

I hope the weather stabilizes soon. Preferably, it will stabilize at nice balmy temperatures!

They say you are what you eat ...

... the other day, I saw you eating jerk chicken.

Coincidence?

Lovin' the bathtimes

J adores baths. He is a real water-baby now. Odd, since he used to hate bathtime so vehemently. Now, he will just lie down in the tub and flatly refuse to move. Even after all of the water has been drained out and he's shivering with cold. He will fight all efforts to remove him from the tub.

T: Do you want to sleep there?
J: Yeah!

J's Uncle C & Auntie L gave him some bathtime presents for Christmas this year. He loves his new toys (Octipals), and his new towel too. He loves to run about the house in the towel before and after his bath, and will insist on "Towel" before he gets taken to the tub.

Here are some pictures of J during and after bathtime.

Thought for the day

If other people weren't such jerks, I would not need to firebomb their houses.

Really, it's their own fault.

Cars, tears, and grilled cheese sandwiches

The car is demised. Or at least extremely ill. I hope it can be fixed for relatively low cost. It has served me well for many many years and has depreciated accordingly. We may need to replace rather than repair. We shall soon see. In the meantime, getting to and from work should be an interesting experience.

**********

You have not truly appreciated a grilled cheese sandwich until you have watched a small boy attempt to eat one with a spoon. Most enjoyoable.

Tonight, J also tried to eat banana pieces with a spoon. The spoon is the utensil of choice, apparently. Fun to play with, too!

**********

J only cried for about two minutes tonight. He was exhausted. He wouldn't even let me finish storytime, and just insisted on bed. He was still unimpressed to be put down without the customary snuggles, but things are improving. Hopefully it will keep getting better over time.

How can instinct be incorrect?

Every instinct I have tells me that I should pick up my son and comfort him when he cries. Every instinct I have tells me that if he wants me, I should go to him. I want J to know that I am there for him, and that I will always be there when he needs me. I want him to feel safe and secure and loved.

I love my son. I love holding him, rocking him, singing to him, kissing him. I love snuggling him to sleep at night and reassuring him. He has said that he needs this, and I have been happy to meet his needs.

But now, he has started to awaken through the night, to refuse to be put down to sleep at all, and to demand constant cuddles. H and I can't get any sleep, and we can't help but feel that our son should not sleep in the bed with us, even though he really wants to and we don't particularly mind cuddling him all night long.

Tonight, I read J some books before bed. Then I cuddled him and his teddy bears until he was nice and calm. And then I picked him up and moved him to his crib, despite his protests. I laid him down, kissed his head, said goodnight, and left the room. And J screamed.

I went downstairs and cried.

J is still in his crib, quiet but awake. He has been quiet but awake for quite some time now. My child does not know how to fall asleep on his own, because I have failed to teach him. And I feel emotionally drained and like a bad parent, because I have failed him in this.

Tonight, I will not pick up J when he awakens. I will hold my ground. I will not be manipulated by my child.

And it will hurt. And I will cry. But at the end of the night, God willing, I will emerge victorious. I will be the parent in this scenario.

But all I will want to do is hold my son and comfort him ... it's going to be a long night ...