Weight and Update

J loves his baby brother!

He gives him frequent hugs and kisses. He introduces him to people, and makes sure to use his full name. He tries to share all his toys with his baby brother. Our biggest challenge thus far has been to prevent J from killing N with kindness.

J will sit beside me as I hold N, and he will say "Mommy, can you say 'This is your big brother, J'?" He loves it when we make a point of introducing him and N.

J hasn't quite figured out that he shouldn't disturb a sleeping baby. We were over at my parents' place today. N was sleeping peacefully in his carseat. J kept hugging him, cuddling him, kissing him ... until Grandma said that if he didn't stop, she was just going to put N away. J misunderstood and thought that she meant she would keep baby N. J said "But I would be very sad". Once she realized the miscommunication, Grandma reassured J that she would not keep his baby brother ... he belongs with us.

J loves being at home more. He still enjoys Grandma and Grandpa's, and his playgroup at daycare. But he's always quite excited when he gets to spend time with Mommy. This is the result of Mommy having been on bedrest for so long ... she is a novelty now. This will wear off, I am sure. For now, though, he gets very excited that Mommy is home with him and that we can play together. Fun!

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N had his first pediatrician's appointment today. No concerns. He is two weeks old today. N weighed 6 lbs 14 ozs and was 18.75 inches long at birth. He is now 7.5 lbs and 20.5 inches long. He appears to be nice and healthy. I am feeling good about things. But he does have a bit of an issue with feeding. Hopefully it will resolve in another week or so, else I will be referred to the breastfeeding clinic. Ow!

**********

I'm getting some of the initial signs of PPD, despite myself. I am doing my best to combat it. But I can feel it, nonetheless. Hopefully, it will be a manageable condition. I managed with J, but it wasn't a lot of fun.

I need to remember that if I act better, I start to feel better. Focus on the actions first, and the feelings should fall into place. That's the theory, anyway. I know this works in general purpose terms. I wonder if it works with PPD too. I'll give it a shot.

You've got to ac-cen-tuate the positive

I feel happy tonight. I had a good tear last night (that's pronounced tare, not teer, btw). I needed it at the time, and I don't regret it. But I don't need it any longer. I'm happy about that. So I've removed the entry from my blog, and I'm purging the matter from my mind.

I refuse to let the small stuff bother me. There is too much that's good in my life for me to become derailed by silliness. I will try to remember that.

Ouchie!

Dear J:

Why do you bite? It hurts so very much. Please don't bite.

And please don't cry.

And please go to sleep.

Mommy is sad. She needs you to help her be happy. She needs a good sleep tonight, with playtime and quiet cuddles tomorrow. Please give these things to her. She is starting to feel stressed out, and this lack of sleep is affecting her badly. Mommy wants to be well-rested and happy again.

I love you. We'll play tomorrow. I promise. But for now, please settle down. Please, little sir?

Love and kisses,

Mommy

Feeling frustrated

Edit: the link in this post used to contain a rant. I was having a moment, and I needed a good tear. I have since decided that I need to focus on all that is positive in my life, and there is plenty of it. I no longer wish to preserve this particular rant, because I no longer need it.

That is freeing, somehow!

Tonight, I am feeling frustrated. Things are affecting me more than they probably should.

J has been sick with a bad ear infection, and he has been in emergency twice this week with high fevers and inconsolable crying. He had a doctor's appointment today for a follow-up. His ears are looking better, but his weight is down. He is no longer in a weight category for his age, and that is alarming. We have to find a way to get him to gain weight over the next 3 weeks, or else he will have to go into the hospital and be put on a feeding tube. We have been instructed to supplement him with formula. But that's a problem, because he won't take formula. Not by any means. (H is now resorting to dipping J's soother in the formula and putting the soother in J's mouth!)

The doctor decided to run blood and urine tests on J to see if there is any reason for his low weight other than just requiring extra calories. We went to get those tests run tonight. J screamed and cried, and it was gut-wrenching for us. He also twisted, and it took 3 people to hold him down. We have been told he will probably have bruises on his arms for a bit. It hurts me to see my baby in pain. But whatever gets him through this will be okay by me. I just want him to be okay and gain an acceptable amount of weight.

J has also decided that he wants to stay awake all night long. He was up past 2:00 a.m. today, wanting us to play with him. Demanding that we play with him, actually. I am functioning on very little sleep, and it is making me a bit testy.

And, with J being sick, I have found very little time to study. I am behind in my course, and I must find some time to get caught up. I hope to manage it this weekend, but we have some other obligations, most notably a funeral we need to attend. We have friends who are willing to watch J for us, so we can both go.

So with all of this going on, I think my brain needs a bit of a break. And I don't think it is particularly surprising that I might choose to focus on something petty and stupid. So I am choosing to do so. And it annoys me, but I am unable to break my focus. Perhaps if I make this entry, I will be able to free my mind and carry on with the more pressing concerns. (Or perhaps I just need the distraction. We'll see.)

Edit: I freed my mind. The entry has been altered accordingly. :)

I have a friend. She is nice. I like her. A lot. She's a good person. She's sweet, smart, generous to a fault, and has been a great support to me. She's a loving wife and mother and has life experience that she willingly shares with others. She's fun. She's talented. She's pretty amazing. And yes, she's a highly emotional presence who overreacts on occasion and who is opinionated like you wouldn't believe, but I find these things to be part of her charm. They are traits that help to form the wonderful and amazing person that she is. She's an irreplaceable, one of a kind friend who I respect and admire. She has earned that respect and admiration through her behaviours. I am proud to call her my friend.

She is one of a select group of really amazing people who I am very happy to have in my life. There are others. When I stop to think about it, I am really very blessed to have so many of these great people in my life.

I am pleased by the fact that I have people like this in my life. I am happy that I have good and supportive friends, who care about me and listen to me.

I am thankful for you, my friends! You're the best!!

I have concluded that...

...it is impossible to feel happy while suffering from a chest cold.

...I love my family, and I don't want to antagonize them.

...it is best to stay away from people when I feel miserable.

...sometimes, you are better off not answering the phone.

...I would like to take a trip, far, far away.

...tears may be futile, but sometimes they are unavoidable.

...my husband is more moody than am I when he is under the weather.

"Cough": Reprise

J's cold is spreading. Now he and I are both coughing from the chest. H is trying to fight it off. J has been grumpy and crying this morning. He is neither wet nor hungry, so he is simply crabby. He does not want to be held, nor does he wish to play in his exersaucer, nor does he wish to nap. Nothing is working to make him happy. It is affecting my mood, which was very good earlier.

I am trying to maintain composure and the happiness I had earlier, but I am becoming rather testy. I wish I could make my baby happy this morning. He is such a nice baby when he is happy.

Cough, cough, cough ...

I don't feel happy

My little boy is sick, and I have too much to do to get ready for Christmas, and the house is a mess, and I have more coursework to do, and I have to go to the big mall tonight (5 days before Christmas, thank you very much), and some of my friends are distancing and/or fighting, and I hate that, and I feel lonely and not particularly well-liked, and I'm all fat and bloated just now, and I want my positive body-image back, and Blogger still thinks that my unlisted blog that has been coded for no search engine inclusion may be a spam blog, and I wish they'd fix it so I don't have to jump through hoops just to post a message on my own blog.

I want to feel happy. Moreover, as one who has been richly blessed, I should feel happy. It disturbs me that I do not. I think that people and things that don't make me happy should maybe not have such a firm place in my life. When I have a moment, I suppose I must ponder this in considerably more depth. But just now, I'd prefer to try and focus on the people and things that do make me happy, so that I may snap out of it quickly. There are, after all, many people and things that make me happy. There is no shortage of good to focus on. I will concentrate on turning my focus to that, and maybe my mood will improve.

Yes. That sounds good. Let me work on that for a bit.

Earlier, I was reminded that tomorrow is the shortest day of the year. If nothing else, the return of the sun should help.

Feeling fragile

I don't think people get me. I feel a bit heartsick today, and I simply don't understand why. I am dismayed that I should feel this way so soon after I wrote about feeling grateful for the special friends that I have made and the support that surrounds me. I am suddenly feeling quite fragile. I hope this changes. Soon.

A thesaurus-type post

Frustrated. Agitated. Irritated. Annoyed. Ticked.

Sad and mad at the same time. A confusing whirlwind of emotion. I wish it would stop.

Can't discuss. May cry.

PPD

Comes and goes. Rhymeless. Reasonless.

Here it comes.

Moody Mama

Baby sleeping.
Daddy sweeping.
Mommy weeping.

I am in a mood. (Once more? Still? At this point, who can tell?) No good reason, and no good can come of it.

Missed swimming this morning. We had so much on the go this weekend, and just felt it didn't make a lot of sense to take time out to go to swimming, especially with the three other kidlets we go to see away ill today. No point. We'll register for more swimming in the new year. J likes swimming.

So this morning, we got an early start on some errands instead. Then J had a visit with his Grannie, and H helped his brother do some work on the house while I did a meager amount of studying and visited with H's mom. Much progress was made on the house, and I am happy about that, but unhappy with the amount of studying I accomplished. I must make up for it. Sometime.

Came home. Got new deepfreeze; a wonderful gift, which made us thankful.

H has been working on cleaning up the house, and I've been doing what I can, in between studying and caring for J, who is teething and fussy. Christmas party tonight, and Dottie's birthday party too. We'll try to attend both, but can make no promises. Tomorrow is going to be chaotic too, and will make today look calm and relaxed. It makes my head hurt just thinking about it.

Bad mood.
Grumpy and irritable.
Tres blah.

Woke up this mornin'

J was ticked and will not be consolled as of yet. I'd had bad dreams through my restless, fitfull sleep. And I feel unreasonably grumpy today. I would like to go back to bed and see if my mood improves with a bit more sleep, but unfortunately, J says "No".

J and I need to go into the office today, as it is a work friend's baby shower. So J will need to be well-fed, bathed, and put in his Christmas sleeper. (He looks so sweet in it.) I must also do laundry and some housework today. And some studying too, since I didn't fit any in yesterday.

Yesterday was a really good day. J's Memaw came for a visit; I love seeing her. J was awake when she arrived, and he was being quite argumentative about breakfast. But he played with her for a bit before becoming sleepy and grumpy (and probably a few other dwarfs too) and going down for a sleep through most of the remainder of our visit. She gave J some very generous Christmas presents (us too, btw). She is such a sweet and kind person, and I feel so grateful that we have her in our lives. Her daughter will be having a baby (in May, I believe), so she will have 2 little grandchildren then; J and new baby! I am very excited about this, and am thinking that we will have to find a way to get down to the States to meet the new arrival.

Yesterday evening, I went to the Association's mentorship networking reception. I met some great people, and came home with a few business cards. It was good to have this opportunity to make some good connections; I am glad I got to go.

Today is shaping up to be a great day too. I must find some way to lose my grumpy old attitude problem. I have much to be thankful for today, and it should be a beautiful and wonderful day, if I can just quit snarling about nothing. Everyone is entitled to a mood, I suppose, but I do not enjoy my bad mood and I wish to lose it.

Must dash. J says so. But first, I leave you with this. Makes you feel all warm and fuzzy inside, doesn't it?

LOVE ME!!!!!

That is all.

Irritability

I am running past exams. Accounting rules change with alarming frequency. Certain questions from the old exams are no longer relevant; other questions have different answers now. There are typos in various questions and/or solutions, which makes it hard to understand stuff. The lesson notes have changed, and the sections are all different now. Goodwill is no longer amortized. The old module 6 is now module 8. And I have already forgotten how to format some parts of the various financial statements and how to calculate a lot of things, like estimates on inventory and cost of goods sold. The cash flow statement still makes almost no sense to me, and revenue recognition policies are held somewhere in the back of my mind, behind a big question mark.

I just feel like a rampant idiot, and I'm sick of it.

Of course, I am also exhausted, and that may account for much of my bad mood. All things are affecting me more than they should this evening. I want to feel happier.

Relax. Breathe. Focus. Be at peace.

It's not working...

Coming to terms

Stop pretending. Stop dreaming. Focus.

Live in truth. Not everything is possible.

Keep realistic expectations. Do not hold others to your own impossibly high standards.

The world is what it is. It may not be ideal, but it must be viewed honestly.

Stop. Breathe. And try not to be disillusioned. Tears will not produce a different outcome. Deal with it.

Lower expectations leave less room for disappointment and hard feelings in the long run, though they are harder to swallow in the short term.

See life as it is, and not as it should be.

Bits 'n' Bites

I have a toothache. Hurts like the dickens. Dentist Thursday. Whoo-pee.

J is crabby. He won't nap, either. Go to sleep, J. Be the turnip. Please? I am so tired of having a screaming baby in my arms, and I can do nothing for him. I think I may purchase earplugs; no point in both of us being miserable. I know I can't really do that, but it is very tempting sometimes.

I have been super-happy today. Now, I'm suddenly grumpy. J's screams could account for my sudden change in mood. I need a nap. I'm so tired, I put J's new diaper on and forgot the plastic pants. Pee got everywhere. I have had to put him down in his crib and just walk away for a few moments, for a good cry. I don't know what else to do.

Chest pains are subsiding somewhat, though on days like these they return. Part of the treatment involves not lifting. This is, obviously, impossible for me, with J. It could take quite awhile for the costochondritis to heal at this rate.

I can't get anything done. Nothing. Whatsoever. I don't have enough time to do anything of substance. (Stop screaming, J!)

I have a sneaking suspicion that one of my friends is in need of encouragement today. There is no reason for this; it is just a hunch. If you are this friend, please call me. I wish to offer you the support and encouragement that you need.

GRRRRRRR...

J decided that I should not go to sleep when I wanted to last night. I was up really late with him. Around 1:00 a.m. or so, I finally got to settle in, only to be woken up at 5:00 a.m. by a screaming child. He was wet. I asked H to please change him. An exhausted H was grumpy about that, but he did it. Then he brought J to me for feeding, and H fell back to sleep.

It was 6:00 a.m. when J was through with being fed and burped. I was putting J back in his crib when H's "ealy warning alarm" started going off. (Loud music: "Warning, warning; you will have to actually get out of bed in roughly half an hour".) H wondered why I wasn't putting the alarm to snooze, and he was sort of testy about it until he realized I was on the other side of the room putting J back in his crib.

J would not go back to sleep, however. All attempts to put him in his crib this morning were futile. He would scream and cry if I tried it, so I had to get up with him. So in short, my day started at 5:00 a.m. and I'm functioning on 4 hours of sleep. I don't think I've ever been this crabby.

Skipping ahead in my morning, past the numerous episodes of petty and inconsequential bickering with H - and we never used to fight, but now it just happens ("Why are you so grumpy today?" he asked; gee, I can't imagine), we arrive at J's cereal. Today, J decided not to eat. He had a couple of quick mouthfuls, but generally was only interested in throwing things on the floor and crying.

J is cleaned up. The kitchen floor is cleaned up. His highchair is cleaned up. I still have to wash his dishes. And now, he is once more obsessed with ripping his soother clip off and throwing the soother across the room. I have actually taken it away (I nearly threw it across the room myself just a moment ago); this is not a fun game for me, and I am in no mood.

And my chest still hurts. I think I'd best see my doc today about it. I'll phone and see if I can get in.

My day needs to improve. I have work to do, but can't function well feeling this tired and irritable. (Go to sleep, J! Think "turnip". Please?)

It's not even 9:00 a.m. yet.

Heart full of love

J awoke at 5:30 this morning. H changed him, and I fed him. I tried to put him back in his crib for more sleep, but he just wanted to be cuddled. I held him close and rocked him, and he slowly began to drift off. I put him back in his crib, and he allowed me to sleep for a little bit longer. (In several chunks, with cuddles in between.) Not too long, mind you; he is a baby after all, and his day starts early.

Yesterday was so stressful, what with J's continual screaming fits and hair-pulling and all, that my neck is skewed to the side from tension. Not wry neck this time around; just really tense muscles that I can't seem to shake. (A direct quote from me from yesterday: "J won't stop screaming, and he keeps pulling my hair, and he's hurting me. And this is my life now.") He was so into throwing his soother on the floor that I put one of those pacifier clip thingies on him. Took him all of 20 seconds to figure out how to rip it right off. And now, he can use the string to really wind up and throw the soother across the whole room. What fun!

Today, a calm and peaceful day would be nice, but it isn't going to happen. J is teething, I have at least 3 chapters to read, and my house is a horrible mess. The house will have to wait, though; I am too gimped up to tackle that today. And I will be missing my New Moms Network offshoot group. For the second week in a row. I'm just too busy and gimped up to get there today. C'est la vie.

When J last awoke, he got fussy really fast. By the time I got him out of his crib, he was screaming and little tears were streaming down his sweet little face. I thought I was in for it for sure; we're going to have another day like yesterday, I thought. Was he hungry? Was he wet? Was he in pain? No, no, and no. What was troubling him? Well, he just wanted his mommy. I picked him up and held him close; he immediately stopped crying, cuddled up, and gave me the biggest sweetest smile ever!

He is a lot of work. And his screams could shatter glass. And some days, I feel like I've reached the end of my tether. And many times, I feel like the poorest excuse for a mother ever. I'm sleep-deprived and I can't keep on top of daily chores. My house is always a mess, and there are days when a shower and clean clothes are expendable luxuries.

And I wouldn't have it any other way.

You are my child, J. I love you so much.

I am a little black rain cloud

Today, J's teeth are bugging him. My tonsils are swollen and infected again, and I'm exhausted. J has stomach cramps. H is working. I cancelled a visit with J's Memaw; I was not doing well, and I couldn't handle seeing people today. I have things to do, but can't muster the strength.

H received a phone call from me at work this morning. J was screaming in the background. He'd been screaming for awhile. By the time I phoned H, I was crying also. J was clearly in pain, and I couldn't help him. He'd had Tylenol and Anbesol, but he was still hurting. I didn't know what to do for him. It was most distressing. By the end of the conversation, I was sobbing and incoherent. Poor H was trying to understand me and be supportive, and I could barely hear him over the screaming J, as I tried to express my frustration.

What I said: "J is crying, and he won't stop, and he's in pain, and I can't help him."

What H heard: "Ja ca pa aaaaaa [squeak, squeak, squeak]."

J is napping. Finally. I feel a bit better, because he isn't in pain just now. But it occurs to me that I have not yet eaten today. This is alarmingly normal. I'd best eat now. And then... Homework? Housework? Sleep? I think the last option will win today. It is as it should be.

Things I Learned Today

1. J may have hated baths, but he loves swimming pools.
   
   J had his first swim class today. H had to miss it, since he had to work. J and I went together. J's little friends, Andraya, Izzy and Gemma were all in the same class. J learned floating on his tummy. He thought that was lots of fun, and he even kicked his little feet. He didn't quite get as into it with his arms, and he just sort of put them out to the sides as though he were an airplane and didn't splash.
   
   He wasn't particularly fond of floating on his back, especially when he got water in his ears. And he wasn't pleased with being cold and wet and back in the change rooms after swimming class. But he did behave very well today, really enjoyed playing in the pool, and made me so very happy.
   
   It was also lots of fun for me to spend time with theatre mommy and va1kyrie today. Good friends always make for a good time!
   
   
2. Paul is allergic to nuts, and can't even be near the smell without feeling sick.
   
   And I really should have known better, too. Especially after he asked the waitress not to bring peanut butter to the table. Apparently, my brain did not function at an appropriate capacity today. I thought he was just nervous he might come into contact with peanut butter if the kids were playing around; I truly didn't realize that the smell factor was a concern.
   
   Anyway, I'm sorry, Paul. And I promise that I won't order anything peanut-ty again when you are in the room. I hope you are feeling okay.
   
   
3. H is a wonderful husband and father, and I need to learn to cut him some slack when he has an off day or so.
   
   I really do know this, but I need to be reminded from time to time. When H is tired, he isn't as helpful as usual (which is a pretty normal trait of most people). But I need to remember how wonderful he is when he is functioning at full capacity. When he has those off days, he sure feels badly after the fact. And he really does make it up to me. I'm just an impatient person, and it is hard for me to go through it at the time. Especially when I am so busy these days.
   
   H was extremely helpful to me tonight. This was really great, since I have a headache and had a lot of work to do. It was so nice to have H take J and the house well in hand when he got home from work.
   
   I love my husband so very much! He is a wonderful man.
   
   
4. Interest rates are a big pain.
   
   When dealing with notes payable and receivable, apparently if the stated rate is different from the market rate, the stated rate is used to determine cash interest payments, while the market rate is used to determine values, interest revenue and interest expense.
   
   Not too hard, really. Interesting tidbit to keep in mind. It's bound to come up on the exam. (I hope I can keep all of these interesting tidbits in my head. There are many of them, and my flash cards are quite daunting these days.)
   
   Once again, it is very helpful to be able to plug all of the information from a problem into a financial calculator. But you still need to know all the rules, since the financial calculator can't read and decipher the question.
   
   Note to self: remember all the rules.
   
   Ah, if only it were that easy...